Mortal Kombat NazzaSponsored Tournament 2
by Nazza
Summary: The first two fighters are eliminated to death. Look out for a very short cameo involving Baraka, why the hell doesn't this thing let me use brackets? Ruined the whole joke. Screw this.
1. Tournament ReGenesis

====MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2====  
  
/Tournament Record Opened/  
  
[Begin Tournament Entry #01]  
  
-Tournament ReGenesis-  
  
==SONYA==  
  
'Sonya, you received this letter,' said Jax.  
  
Sonya took the letter and opened it. 'Hmm...' she said as she read it.  
  
'What's so interesting?'  
  
'I'll have to leave the army for a while,' she said.  
  
'How come?'  
  
'Shao Kahn has returned.'  
  
==SINDEL==  
  
'RISE, SINDEL!'  
  
Shao Kahn's voice awoke the sleeping queen, who was imprisoned in her glass coffin. 'Why did you awaken me?'  
  
'You shall see, when the time is right...'  
  
==SHEEVA==  
  
'You road scum!'  
  
Stryker sneered. 'At least I'm not a four-armed freak!'  
  
Sheeva threw two right hooks at Stryker, but he ducked and tripped her. She landed on her back, broken glass cutting into her flesh.  
  
'Don't take on Stryker,' he stated. 'Especially in an alleyway.'  
  
'Of course,' said Sheeva as she stood up. 'Don't take on Stryker in his birthplace.'  
  
'That's it!' said Stryker. He pulled out an Uzi, and was about to rip Sheeva to shreds when a messenger walked into the alleyway.  
  
'I'm looking for Sheeva and Stryker,' said the messenger.  
  
'That'd be us,' said Stryker.  
  
'Meet at the Outer World dimension gate tonight at midnight. And you need to be alive when you get there.'  
  
'Damn!' said Stryker. 'I was just about to achieve my life-long dream!'  
  
==JOHNNY CAGE==  
  
'I refuse to play a woman!'  
  
'But you agreed to make this movie,' said the director.  
  
'But I didn't know it required me to cross-dress! Besides, it was my agent who accepted this job.'  
  
'Well too bad,' said the director. 'We've already decided to cast you.'  
  
'I'm going to sue you - wait, here comes the mail.'  
  
'Here's your mail, sir,' said the mail courier, who handed Cage some envelopes.  
  
'Taxes, bills, crap, fan mail - fan mail?! That's never happened before. Ah, this envelope looks interesting.' Cage put down the other letters and opened the envelope.  
  
'What's it say?' asked the director.  
  
'Woohoo! I just got an offer for another movie! See you later! Hang on, this envelope also looks interesting.' He read it for a few minutes. 'Yes, another tournament!'  
  
As Cage ran out of the studio the director shook his head. 'Tournament? I thought the critics said the first "Johnny Cage Tournament" movie was worse than Crossroads!'  
  
==KABAL==  
  
Kabal lurked the streets, looking for something to do. 'Life's lonely when half your face's blown off and you're forced to live on the dry, dusty half-of-the-buildings-demolished streets.'  
  
Kabal coughed as some dust flew into his mask. Suddenly his pager started beeping. 'Huh? I didn't even know I had one!' He pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the message. 'YES! Finally I can let my anger out again!'  
  
==RAYDEN==  
  
Rayden sat in his underground sanctuary. 'There is no knowledge that is not power. There is no knowledge that is not power. There is no -'  
  
'Can you stop that, it's really annoying,' said Shang Tsung.  
  
'You're being held captive in my palace, you'll listen to whatever I have to say. He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy...'  
  
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THAT'S TORTURE OF THE WORST KIND! WORSE THAN HITLER! WORSE THAN WAR! WORSE THAN CHACHI-'  
  
'You got mail,' said Rayden's servant. 'And you too, Shang Tsung.'  
  
'Yay! Fain mail!' said Shang Tsung. 'Oh, just some letter from Shao Kahn.'  
  
The two read the letters in silence. 'Well, it seems the time has come again,' said Rayden. 'And remember: There is no knowledge that is not power.'  
  
==SUBZERO==  
  
'I-shall-serve-you,' said Smoke.  
  
'Yes, I got the robot working!' said Subzero. 'And to think I was gonna repair C3PO.'  
  
Meanwhile, in the junkyard, a golden robot sat in pieces, calling out for a guy called Luke to save him.  
  
'When was the last time we fought in a tournament?' Subzero asked.  
  
'I-don't-know,' said Smoke. 'Your-outfit-looks-good-today.'  
  
'Yeah,' said Subzero. 'I tried a different brand. It's much more comfortable than the suit I had to wear in the second tournament.'  
  
'I-think-you-just-got-an-email-sir,' said Smoke. 'You-and-I-must-meet-at-the-Outer-World-dimension-gate-at-midnight-tonight.'  
  
'Sounds spooky.'  
  
==SCORPION==  
  
'Hmm, the streets of our city are still in ruins. Does the council ever do *anything*?'  
  
Scorpion wandered, searching for something. He didn't know what it was, which was why he'd been wandering since MK II.  
  
'Huh, a skywriter?' Scorpion looked up as a plane wrote a message in the sky.  
  
=SCORPION AND REPTILE ARE TO CHECK THEIR MAILBOX NOW=  
  
==REPTILE==  
  
'Wow, that plane must be smart.' Reptile went to the post office, and checked his PO box. He left just as Scorpion arrived, but didn't notice as he was too busy reading his letter.  
  
'Midnight tonight? Aww, I was going to free the lizards from the zoo tonight!'  
  
==KANO==  
  
'Sonya, what are you doing here?'  
  
Sonya looked around Kano's shoddy apartment. 'Not here to have a friendly chat, that's for sure. I got a letter earlier on this morning...'  
  
==NIGHTWOLF==  
  
'Chief Powow, have to tell Nightwolf story.'  
  
'Chief, your name isn't Powow. And you don't speak like that.'  
  
'Oh, great, just ruin all the fun why don't you!'  
  
'What is it you wanted to tell me?'  
  
'A horrible monster came before me in my dreams.'  
  
'You weren't drunk again were you? Don't tell me you chopped down a tree again -'  
  
'No, this time it was for real. It had four arms, and told me you must go to the Outer World dimension gate tonight.'  
  
'Uh-oh...'  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
=======================================================================  
  
Next episode: The Gathering at the Dimensional Gate 


	2. Fighters ReUnion

====MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2====  
  
/Tournament Record ReOpened/  
  
[Begin Tournament Entry #02]  
  
-Fighters Reunion-  
  
One by one, the fighters arrived at the Dimensional Gate, and they began to realise that they were all going to be in this together.  
  
Suddenly Shao Kahn appeared, as he walked through the Gate and arrived on Earth. 'Is everyone here?' he boomed. 'There should be 14 fighters gathered at this Dimensional Gate.'  
  
'It-looks-like-everyone-is-here,' said Smoke.  
  
'I shall count then,' said Shao Kahn. He stood there scanning everyone, then said, 'Yes, you are all here. Now step through the Dimensional Gate, where you will arrive at your destination. Everything will be explained shortly.'  
  
Shao Kahn stepped through the Dimensional Gate, and awaited the arrival of the 14 fighters.  
  
==OUTER WORLD==  
  
The 14 fighters arrived in what seemed like a resort of some kind. 'Welcome, everyone, to the tournament resort!'  
  
They looked around. There were exactly 14 little houses, and around 4 stadiums. 'I have summoned you here, once again, to fight against each other.'  
  
'Well, *that's* very original,' said Sonya sarcastically.  
  
'Imposter!' shouted Kano. 'Get him!'  
  
'BE QUIET!' boomed Kahn. 'You will fight for your lives. Each round you will fight twice, and at the end the two weakest fighters will be eliminated.  
  
'You will all now proceed to your resort house, and get settled. Tomorrow we will start Round One.'  
  
==NIGHTWOLF==  
  
Nightwolf walked around, and found the resort house with "Nightwolf" written on its mailbox. He entered the house.  
  
'Nice,' he said as he looked around. He looked in the bedroom, and found a magic boomerang on the bed. A note next to it said, 'Your gift from Shao Kahn. Have a bloody day!'  
  
He picked it up, and examined it. 'This is a pretty crappy magical boomerang.'  
  
It zapped him, then began glowing green. 'Cool!'  
  
==KANO==  
  
Kano entered his house, and looked around. 'This is better than my apartment...yet it feels like something is missing...' He kicked in one of the walls, plaster falling all over the floor. 'That's better.'  
  
He walked into the bedroom to find a bottle on his bed. A note next to it said 'This stuff will clean your eye-lense. It also doubles as a poison.'  
  
'Sweet.'  
  
==REPTILE==  
  
Reptile looked around his house. 'Something's in here.' He walked into the lounge room and saw a small green lizard.  
  
'Wow, a lizard!' He picked it up, and it started purring. 'Hmmm, I don't think it's supposed to do that...'  
  
==SCORPION==  
  
'Better than most 1-star hotels,' Scorpion stated. He walked into the bedroom and saw a scorpion sitting on his bed. He stuck his hand out, and shouted 'GET OVER HERE!'  
  
==SUBZERO==  
  
Subzero entered his house. 'Too warm.' He shot bouts of ice throughout the house, and before long Nightwolf was walking past Subzero's house, noticing it was somewhat icier than the other houses.  
  
He walked into the bedroom to find a few bags of ice. 'Mmm, they're the tasty kind of ice!'  
  
==SMOKE==  
  
'I-will-now-walk-into-my-house,' said Smoke. He walked through the door, shattering it, and examined the place. 'I-can-see-several-cans-of-oil-in-the-garage.'  
  
He wandered into the garage to find a drunk red robot. 'Sorry-mate, I-think-I-just-drank-all-your-oil.'  
  
'Damn-you-Cyrax,' said Smoke.  
  
'My-name-is-Sektor. *Hiccup*.'  
  
==SHANG TSUNG==  
  
'Hmm, it seems everyone who walks past me thinks I'm scary and a waste of space. To them I say, I am the giant Mr. Poo, I will throw my shit at you! No, that just makes them even more scared.'  
  
He kicked down the door into his house, then realised there was a doorknob. 'That's strange, what's this funny brown object on my bed! Looks edible!'  
  
Tsung crammed half of it into his mouth, when he realised. 'It's poop!'  
  
==RAYDEN==  
  
'He called the shit "poop"!'  
  
Rayden and Goro laughed as they observed Tsung's antics from Rayden's mirror-observer. Rayden high-fived Goro, then high-fived Goro, then high-fived Goro, then high-fived Goro.  
  
==KABAL==  
  
'I wonder what's in the bedroom.' He walked in, and gasped. 'Perfume! Just what I always wanted!'  
  
==JOHNNY CAGE==  
  
'What a nice house. Too bad Shao Kahn can't afford a more luxurious resort.' He walked into the bedroom. 'Hey cool! A porn magazine!'  
  
Cage grabbed it and began flipping through. 'Sweet, Sonya porn.' He flicked to the next page, and jumped back in fright. 'Aargh! What's Sheeva doing in this mag! My eyes are burning! I'm now mentally scarred, I hope you're happy Shao Kahn!'  
  
==STRYKER==  
  
Stryker picked up a note he found on the floor. 'Check the garage for your gift. Sounds easy enough.' He walked into the garage, and came across the biggest storage of guns and grenades and other weaponry he'd ever seen in his entire pathetic life.  
  
'Now I can kill in style!'  
  
==SHEEVA==  
  
'Sweet, a porn mag.' Sheeva shuddered in delight as she stared at Goro's picture. She flicked to the next page, and jumped back in fright. 'Aargh! It's hideous! It's deformed! It's JOHNNY CAGE!!!'  
  
==SINDEL==  
  
'This place is too small!'  
  
Sindel walked into her room, and found a tape of World's Funniest Home Videos. 'Yay! Now I can laugh at them over and over and over and over and over...'  
  
==SONYA==  
  
Sonya walked into her room, and found a stack of bras. 'Shao Kahn thinks I'm the stereotypical hot fighting chick? Well, I'll show him! I'll use these bras so much, he'll regret ever giving them to me!'  
  
She picked up a note which said 'You can give these to Cage to torture him'. 'Somehow I think giving him my bra won't bother him in the slightest...'  
  
A voice on the loudspeakers in every room echoed with Kahn's voice. 'In your house you will find your special gift, five copies of your outfit, and a copy of "Mortal Kombat for Dummies".'  
  
'I reckon Lui Kang should read it, maybe then he'll stop being the dumb main character,' said Motaro the centaur.  
  
'The microphone's still turned on, Motaro,' said Shao Kahn. 'Start training for combat, that's combat with a K, because tomorrow the first fight will be held!' 


	3. Fight One

====MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2====  
  
/Tournament Record ReVisited/  
  
[Begin Tournament Entry #03]  
  
-Fight One-  
  
By the next day all the fighters were prepared for a possible first round fight.  
  
'Welcome to KO-FM, where we play old stupid music till you're fu - I mean, I'm about to announce the two fighters who will be first to face off.'  
  
'Face off is a cool movie,' said Goro.  
  
'Was I talking to you? Okay now, the two fighters are: (drum roll) Sonya Blade, resident bi - uh, resident chick, and Nightwolf, resident di - I mean resident Indian.'  
  
'I'm not an Indian!' said Nightwolf annoyedly.  
  
Once they arrived at the fighting stadium, they noticed it was very big. Goro and Shao Kahn where in the sportsbox all the way up at the top of the stadium.  
  
'What the - how come there's all these people?' said Sonya.  
  
'Hehe,' said Shao Kahn. 'They don't know that this is a big publicity stunt.'  
  
'Shao Kahn, the microphone's turned on.'  
  
'Oh, I knew that, I was just, uh, practising for a play. Everyone, welcome to the Fighting Stadium!'  
  
The crowd roared.  
  
'And to our special guests, those funny Siberian tigers that are in those cages over there!'  
  
The tigers roared.  
  
'But now, onto the first battle of Round One. In the red corner, we have - oh, according to Goro we don't have a red corner. Or a blue corner. Or a corner in general.  
  
'Anyway, on one side of the arena, we have Sonya Blade. She knows martial arts, and works in the army with Jax. She also secretly has a crush on Johnny Cage.'  
  
Sonya glared at Shao Kahn. 'You sick, twisted bast -'  
  
'And in the other corner,' said Kahn quickly, 'we have Nightwolf! The Indian -'  
  
'I'm not an Indian!' shouted Nightwolf. 'I belong to a group of...people who dress like Indians.'  
  
'Nightwolf is equipt with a magical boomerang, and has magical powers. It's the Japanese arts against the dark arts.'  
  
'That's not Japanese art!' shouted Frida from the audience.  
  
'Uh, what's a Bust-a-Groove character doing in the audience?' Goro wondered.  
  
'And that's not the dark arts!' shouted Professor Quirrel.  
  
'It's the two-faced loser from Harry Potter!' shouted Nightwolf.  
  
'Oh yeah? You wanna take me on?'  
  
'Take us on!' said another voice which came from Quirrel's turban.  
  
'Uh, no unregulated fighting in the stadium please,' said Shao Kahn. 'Or you'll DIE.'  
  
Everyone suddenly went quiet.  
  
'Okay. Goro the four-armed monster -' Kahn noticed Goro staring at him angrily, both sets of arms crossed. 'Goro the...guy with four arms will commentate for this fight.'  
  
'Now fighters, get ready, get set, BANANAS!'  
  
The audience stared at Goro in confusion.  
  
'BEGIN THE FIGHT!'  
  
Nightwolf jumped at Sonya, flying through the air, but Sonya ducked, and Nightwolf skidded in the sand. He jumped back up, and swung a punch at her. She blocked, and high-kicked him, causing him to fall on his back, blood pouring from his face.  
  
'And Nightwolf's down,' said Goro. 'This injury looks bad - but Nightwolf gets back up! Sonya takes a swing at him, but he ducks!'  
  
Nightwolf swung his foot around trying to trip Sonya, but she jumped. Nightwolf high-kicked her, but she managed to keep on her feet and send a series of punches Nightwolf's way. She delivered one last blow, and he jumped back, trying to keep his balance.  
  
'And what's Nightwolf doing - he's pulled out the boomerang! And he's thrown it at Sonya!'  
  
Sonya caught the boomerang and threw it back at Nightwolf, but before it could hit him, she suddenly defied gravity and did an upward bicycle-kick. Sonya landed back on her feet, and watched as Nightwolf fell, the boomerang hitting him just before he landed on the ground.  
  
'Nightwolf's down for the count! And he's not getting back up!'  
  
Shao Kahn stepped up to the microphone, and the crowd cheered as he announced 'SONYA IS THE WINNER!'  
  
===============SCORECARD===============  
  
Sonya  
  
1-0  
  
Nightwolf  
  
0-1  
  
=======================================  
  
In the Next Episode: More fighting, more humour, more depth and creativity, who would've thought it? Definitely not Zanna, whoever she is. 


	4. Round One Fights Part 1

====MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2====  
  
/Tournament Record ReLoaded/  
  
[Begin Tournament Entry #04]  
  
-Round One Fights Part 1-  
  
Nightwolf woke up with a gigantic headache. 'What just happened? I must've got *really* drunk last night.'  
  
Meanwhile, Sonya was celebrating her victory. 'BeerBeerBeerBeerBeer!'  
  
'Man, you are drunk,' said Johnny Cage. 'Now I understand why you came here.'  
  
'Got anymore beer?' Sonya asked. 'Then maybe later on we could...you know...'  
  
'Uh, are you saying what I think I'm saying?'  
  
'Yeah. Later on we could go trash Kano's pad!'  
  
'Now for fight two!' boomed Shao Kahn. 'Since it is day two. Drum roll please...'  
  
There was silence. 'I said drum roll!'  
  
'We don't have any drums,' said Goro.  
  
'Improvise!'  
  
Goro drummed the table.  
  
'Sindel versus Kano!'  
  
==SINDEL==  
  
'No! Not Kano! Well, I'll prepare - by watching the Funniest Home Videos tape I got!'  
  
==FIGHTING STADIUM==  
  
'Welcome to the Fighting Stadium!'  
  
The crowd roared.  
  
'This is the second battle! On one side of the stadium, we have Kano! The faggot with the eye lense!'  
  
'I'm not a faggot!' shouted Kano.  
  
'Then why do you wear dresses?'  
  
Kano blushed.  
  
'On the other side of the stadium, we have Sindel!'  
  
'She wears dresses!' Kano shouted, pointing his finger at her.  
  
'I know, I've seen her in most of them.'  
  
'They got it on!' said Goro, much to the amusement of the crowd - and the annoyance of Shao Kahn.  
  
'To tell you the truth, I've seen better.'  
  
Shao Kahn became very annoyed, but continued. 'Goro will be commentating this match. Get ready!'  
  
'That's my line,' said Goro. 'Get ready, get set, go get some BANANAS!'  
  
'This is the second time he's done that,' said someone in the audience.  
  
'Uh, BEGIN THE FIGHT!'  
  
Kano's infra-red eye scanned Sindel for any weaknesses. Sindel, meanwhile was powering up DBZ-style. Her hair flowed as if wind was blowing it. Kano suddenly jumped back as her hair flew straight upright.  
  
'Holy crap!' said Kano.  
  
'Too much of a wuss to fight me?' said Sindel as she began to hover.  
  
'In your dreams,' said Kano.  
  
'You're so up yourself you'd need X-ray vision to escape your butt.'  
  
'I have the next best thing.' He pointed to his infra-red eye lense.  
  
'Not anymore!' Sindel flew at him at the speed of light, and punched his lense in.  
  
'AAARGH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!' Kano dropped and began rolling around on the ground.  
  
'And it seems Kano isn't so strong after all,' said Goro.  
  
'We actually invited this guy to participate in the tournament?' said Kahn.  
  
'Afraid so.' Sindel stopped hovering, and landed on her feet, making the sound they do on DBZ.  
  
'And Sindel's hair is falling back into place,' said Goro. 'What's this? She's picking up the cowardly Kano!'  
  
'This is a move I learnt from Jax,' said Sindel. She held Kano up, and began beating his face.  
  
'Oh, and Kano is trying to make a comeback, throwing punches at her wildly. But what's this?' Sindel's hair suddenly smashed itself into Kano's face, and he fell to the ground.  
  
Shao Kahn stepped up to the microphone, and announced 'SINDEL IS THE WINNER!'  
  
===============SCORECARD===============  
  
Sindel  
  
1-0  
  
Kano  
  
0-1  
  
=======================================  
  
'Someone pick that faggot up and escort him off the premises please,' said Kahn.  
  
'I heard that!'  
  
'I wasn't talking about you, Motaro!'  
  
'Oh.'  
  
That night Nightwolf decided, after surviving a head-splitting hangover, that he'd go for a night out on the town again.  
  
Meanwhile, Sonya and Cage were just about to leave to trash Kano's house (she'd been distracted and drunk for that long) when suddenly she got an idea.  
  
'Jshhhhhhhonny?' said Sonya.  
  
'Uh, yeah?'  
  
'Would you miiiiiiiiiind, if we had hot and wild sex-'  
  
'Shouldn't we trash Kano's house first?'  
  
'Ah, who gives a flying fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! BeerBeerBeerBeeeeeeeeer -'  
  
'Sonya, you know you're going to have a massive headache tomorrow.'  
  
'Yeah, but I don't care. Bear. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!'  
  
Cage shook his head. *Why is it that the only time she wants to make out with me is when she's drunk?*  
  
'Can I hop on pop - I mean your bed?'  
  
'Sure, may as well.'  
  
Down at the pub, Nightwolf bought his seventh can of Coke. 'Man, this stuff's more addictive than crack!'  
  
'You've tried crack?' said Stryker.  
  
'No, who told you? I could get you killed and sued -'  
  
'I don't think caffeine and Indians mix very well,' said Stryker.  
  
'Stop saying I'm an Indian! That's racism! It's coz I'm black, isn't it!'  
  
'But you're not black -'  
  
'Shuuuuuuuuut up, racist pig! Oink oink oink!'  
  
Stryker put his hand up to his head and turned the other way.  
  
==THE NEXT DAY==  
  
Sonya woke up next to Johnny Cage. 'Aaargh! Holy fu**! What the hell am I doing here?'  
  
Sonya's shouting caused Cage to wake abruptly. 'I see you've awakened, fair maiden.'  
  
'What did we do last night?' Sonya shouted threateningly.  
  
'You can probably guess,' Cage bragged.  
  
'Uggghh! I can't believe I slept with you!'  
  
'You know you want me,' said Cage.  
  
'That's the last time I get drunk!' Sonya got out of bed, put her clothes on and stormed out.  
  
'Hehe, she forgot her bra...'  
  
==KANO==  
  
'Man, did I sleep all the way from yesterday's fight to the next day?' He opened his eyes, then realised his lense was smashed. 'Ow! It hurts. Luckily I have a spare.'  
  
He looked around his draw, and pulled out a twenty-cent coin. 'Such an under-rated invention, along with the stretchy straws, those funny little LED lights, and Michael Jackson.'  
  
'Attention! This is an announcement for the third battle!'  
  
'Jeez, this is like the 24 marathon only longer, and less interesting,' said Goro.  
  
'You shut up.'  
  
'Yes sir.'  
  
'And the nominees for best fighter are...not on this list. However, the third match will pit Sheeva who is secretly Goro's lover against Reptile, whose secret lover goes by the name of Snake.'  
  
'Now I think that's taking a bit too far,' said Goro, 'I mean just coz we look the same -'  
  
'You shut up.'  
  
'Yes sir.'  
  
'We'll see you two freaks at the stadium.'  
  
'Sir, if you use that language they'll get angry -'  
  
'How many times do I have to tell you, *I* am the supreme being. Not you, not Subzero, not nobody! Except me.'  
  
==AT THE STADIUM==  
  
'I now hand the commentary over to Goro.'  
  
'On one side we have Sheeva, who has four arms which means for times the punching force. And, I personally think she's a bit butch -'  
  
Sheeva stuck all four of her rude fingers up at Goro.  
  
'And in the other corner, the mystical Reptile, all decked out in his green ninja outfit. Three guesses who's gonna win.'  
  
Sheeva stuck her rude fingers up again.  
  
'I was talking about you, Sheeva!' said Goro. 'Really!'  
  
'You weren't really, were you?' asked Kahn.  
  
'No, not really. CRAP! The microphone's still on. Well, get ready get set, GO TO THE TOILET!'  
  
Half of the audience rushed out of the stadium.  
  
'BEGIN THE FIGHT!'  
  
Reptile jumped at Sheeva, and managed to get in a quick punch. Unfortunately she swung her lower right arm, with Reptile only just blocking it.  
  
'My, how many arms you have.'  
  
'All the better to POUND you with!'  
  
'What did I say, she's butch,' said Goro. 'GOD DAMMIT! Will someone remind us the microphone is still on?'  
  
Sheeva swung with her lower left arm, but again Reptile blocked it. 'Holy crap! Now she's swinging wildly, hitting Reptile each time! I think that's a bit of unfair play, but it's not up to me.'  
  
Reptile dropped to his knees, and Sheeva's lower arms worked even harder to pound the living daylights out of him. Reptile saw his chance, and took it. He swung fair and square where a guy's crown jewels would've been.  
  
'Aargh! You had to hit me in the ballsa - I mean va - lower area!'  
  
Reptile jumped up, kicking Sheeva in the head as he came, then flipped over her head and grabbed onto her ponytail. She let out a bloodcurdling scream, which was followed by the sound of Reptile farting.  
  
'That's a first warning!' said Shao Kahn. 'Do that again and you lose!'  
  
'For what, letting off wind or pulling her ponytail?'  
  
'A little from Column A, a little from Column B.'  
  
Reptile let go of her ponytail and found that his hand was now covered with a white sticky goo, which was the norm for Sheeva's species.  
  
Sheeva swung around, whacking Reptile with both her right arms on the way, then kicked him in the stomach. 'Ooh, and Reptile's down on the ground.'  
  
Reptile's face was filled with sheer terror as he saw in Sheeva's eyes what she was about to do. 'NOOOOOOOO!' Sheeva jumped, and as if in slow motion froze while up in the air. The magical camera circled around her, and then Sheeva landed on the ground, with a gigantic stomp.  
  
'AAAAAAAAAARGH!' Goro and the audience alike screamed as they felt the pain of Sheeva's earthquake. 'Man that hurts! But wait - Reptile is unaffected!'  
  
==REPTILE==  
  
Sheeva slowly fell toward the ground, and Reptile jumped up just as she landed on the ground. A mushroom cloud rose in the air, and Reptile landed on his feet. 'Man that hurts! But wait - Reptile is unaffected!'  
  
Reptile took a bow, and then kicked Sheeva in the face while she was concentrating on the shaking ground she had caused. She fell down on her back, and Reptile threw a little lizard at her. 'What the -'  
  
Suddenly the lizard began purring. 'Well that's just great,' said Reptile. He walked up to Sheeva, and kicked her so hard she went flying up in the air and hit the crowd. The people surrounding her shouted in fright, horrified by something so gross.  
  
'Must...try...to...stay...awake...sleeping pills...taking effect...' Sheeva collapsed on the stands.  
  
'REPTILE IS THE WINNER!'  
  
'Experience, all the better to WIN with!'  
  
NB: Unfortunately, because Sheeva was unconscious she was unable to hear Reptile's witty comeback. We apologise for this inconvenience.  
  
=======================================================================  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	5. Round One Fights Part 2

====MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2====  
  
/Tournament Record Re-Entry/  
  
[Begin Tournament Entry #05]  
  
-Round One Fights Part 2-  
  
'Will someone get that dirty alien out of our stands?' said Shao Kahn.  
  
'Can't we just leave her there?' Goro asked.  
  
'Hell no. Even the birds are scared of her.'  
  
==REPTILE==  
  
'Uh, do you think you should be drinking that much?'  
  
Nightwolf and Reptile were at the bar, celebrating their victories. Such a pity Nightwolf hadn't had one yet.  
  
'Says YOU!' said Reptile. He began singing, much to the dismay of the people in the pub: 'My name is (Bob), My name is (Joe), My name is SONYA BLADE!'  
  
'Man, you *are* drunk!'  
  
Sheeva woke up to find herself naked in the podium. 'Aargh! Some bastard stole my clothes!'  
  
==SONYA==  
  
'Johnny, I have a suprise for you...'  
  
Luckily no one was out on the streets that night (except Kano who was asleep on the sidewalk with a Dragonball Z pog as a substitute for his lense, so he couldn't see the hideousness).  
  
The next day, Shao Kahn's voice was heard over the radio again.  
  
'The next people to fight are...Stryker and Scorpion!'  
  
'Damn, I shouldn't go to the pub every night...If the hangover doesn't kill me, Scorpion will...'  
  
==THE STADIUM==  
  
'Hello, and welcome to the stadium for the latest fight in the Nazza-Sponsored Tournament!'  
  
'What's a Nazza?' wondered half the crowd.  
  
'A soft dri-' Kahn kicked Goro, making him shut up.  
  
'Nazza is this word that we came up with,' said Kahn. 'It's actually a word which means "Not really".'  
  
'It's a soft drink!' shouted the Prince of Jelly, who oddly enough was covered with jam.  
  
'Come on, we know masturbating is fun, but really you didn't have to do it right before the match!' said Goro.  
  
The Prince of Jelly blushed.  
  
'Our contestants for today: Stryker, the guy who knows all of his weapons personally, versus Scorpion, who wears the same clothes as Reptile and Subzero. I know the outfits are all different colours, but really, try something else for once!'  
  
'GET OVER HERE!' shouted Scorpion.  
  
'No, not yet,' said Kahn. 'I now hand you over to Goro, the commentator for this fight.'  
  
'Get ready, get set, go to Coffs Harbour in Australia and see the Big Banana!'  
  
'He does this every time,' said a guy in the audience.  
  
'Why don't you go toss a salad,' said Prince of Jelly.  
  
'Looks like you've already been tossing.'  
  
'BEGIN THE FIGHT!'  
  
Stryker and Scorpion eyed each other.  
  
'Scorpion stings can be deadly,' said Scorpion.  
  
'Nah, YOU THINK?'  
  
Stryker pulled out what he thought was a gun and "firing" it. It was only when the whole stadium laughed that he realised he'd grabbed a grenade instead.  
  
He threw the grenade at Scorpion, and it stayed at Scorpion's feet. For a whole minute. And it didn't explode. 'Hey Stryker! You forgot to pull the pin!' said Scorpion.  
  
'I - I meant to do that on purpose! It's not my fault I have a hangover!'  
  
He ran at Scorpion, jumped and launched a kick. Scorpion grabbed his shoe, and Stryker fell to the ground, with sore shoulders and neck. 'Give me back my shoe!'  
  
'Never!' Stryker kicked, and his shoe hit Scorpion in the face. Stryker jumped back up, and punched Scorpion in the gut.  
  
'Haha!'  
  
He jumped back a few metres, pulled out a grenade and, making sure he pulled the pin this time, threw it at Scorpion, who was still in pain. It exploded, and a grey mist hid Scorpion (or what was left of him) from the viewers in the crowd.  
  
Stryker smiled, as he watch Shao Kahn step up to the microphone, about to announce Stryker as the winner, when the mist cleared away to reveal Scorpion standing there.  
  
'Next time, try using a *real* grenade instead of an itchy bomb!'  
  
'But - but I thought it would work!'  
  
'Duh! I'm wearing this suit, it practically covers every square inch of my body!'  
  
Scorpion stepped back, and continued walking backwards. Stryker was confused for a few seconds, then realised what Scorpion was about to do.  
  
That's right, he pulled out a sandwich.  
  
'Whoops, why'd I do that?' Scorpion dropped the sandwich, and stepped back a few more steps.  
  
Stryker's face was white, his knees shaking. 'GET OVER HERE!' A snake shot out of Scorpion's hand, grabbing onto Stryker. It pulled him over to Scorpion, who uppercutted him. Stryker lay there, twitching from the snake poison.'  
  
'SCORPION IS THE WINNER!'  
  
'Goro, that's my job! It's unfair, you're a meanie!'  
  
'Am not!'  
  
'Am so!'  
  
'Am not!'  
  
'Am so!'  
  
Scorpion looked down on Stryker's twitching body. 'Next time try actually fighting.'  
  
===============SCORECARD===============  
  
Stryker  
  
0-1  
  
Scorpion  
  
1-0  
  
=======================================  
  
Goro walked out into the empty stadium as the sun set, and dragged Stryker out onto the empty street (the resort is closed off because of the tournament).  
  
'Good doggy,' said Shao Kahn. 'You learned a new trick!'  
  
==SHANG TSUNG==  
  
'Jeez, have I been asleep all this time?'  
  
'No,' said Rayden. 'I've been controlling you to do my deeds.'  
  
-Flashback-  
  
'Can I lick the bowl?'  
  
'No. Keep on cleaning the toilet.'  
  
-Back to the Present-  
  
'Gross!' said Shang Tsung.  
  
'Hehehe...'  
  
==SMOKE==  
  
'What's-this-strange-smelly-substance-coming-out-of-my-anal-area?'  
  
==SONYA==  
  
'Hey babe.'  
  
'What the hell are you doing in my house?'  
  
Kano, who stood there with a bottle of beer in his hand, fell on his face, in the middle of the doorway.  
  
Sonya grinned, grabbed the door and began swinging open and closed, squishing Kano in between. 'This is fun!'  
  
==NEXT DAY==  
  
'Welcome to the tournament!' announced Shao Kahn. 'Goro will commentate for this match.'  
  
'Hello Springfield!'  
  
There was silence in the crowd.  
  
'Ahem, this match pits Johnny Cage, the overly arrogant movie-star (heh, in his dreams) against Subzero, who has the same outfit as Scorpion and Reptile! Doesn't it get hot when you're battling?'  
  
'My suit's air-conditioned.'  
  
'Oh. Okay, get ready, get set, GO HAVE A BANANA SMOOTHIE!'  
  
Kahn whacked Goro over the head, and he fell to the ground. 'BEGIN THE MATCH!'  
  
'The master of cool is here to thaw you out!' said Johnny Cage.  
  
'I know you've starred in crappy movies before, but that's the lamest line I've ever heard! Everyone knows *I'm* the master of cool.'  
  
'Technically you're the master of cold,' said Goro.  
  
'Whatever.' Subzero was just about to attack when Cage turned around and slid backwards around him.  
  
'Huh?!? Cage's made some bad movies in his time, but him moonwalking? If he's trying to confuse Subzero, he's succeeding. If he's trying to make himself look like a weirdo, he's succeeding.'  
  
'Master of cool? Sheesh, moonwalking went out of fashion three months before it came out!' Subzero shot out a beam of ice on the ground behind Cage, and he slipped over.  
  
The crowd roared. With laughter.  
  
'He's made a laughing stock out of himself, in true Michael Jackson-style,' said Goro.  
  
Cage stood up, brushed himself off and pulled out a comb, brushing his hair.  
  
'Come on, cut the crap!' said Subzero. He shot another beam of ice at Cage, but he jumped out of the way at the last minute. Err, second.  
  
Cage ran at Subzero, leapt up into the air, and stuck his foot out. Everything froze Matrix-style while Cage pulled out sunglasses and put them on, then un-froze, kicking Subzero in the face.  
  
'Oh no!' cried Subzero, holding his face. 'Now I'll look like you!'  
  
'He hit the deck like a sack of spuds!' cried Goro.  
  
'Yes, he sure did sack the deck like a...spud the sack like a deck of...what did you say?'  
  
'Never mind.'  
  
Subzero got back up, revealing a bleeding nose, and began laughing hysterically.  
  
'Cage is - he's - Johnny's skipping! What a girl!'  
  
Cage continued skipping around Subzero, while dodging beams of ice. Unfortunately, Subzero hit him eventually and he froze on the spot, covered with ice.  
  
Subzero walked up to him calmly, and uppercutted him so far up he thought he was flying. The force was enough to shatter the ice encasing that had surrounded him.  
  
'Haha!' said Cage, as he landed.  
  
Subzero shot at him again, but this time Cage dodged it in a non-weird way. He launched himself into the air, and was about to land on Subzero and win the match, when Subzero moved out of the way and kicked him in the back.  
  
'And Subzero's not down! But Cage is!' said Goro.  
  
'SUBZERO IS THE WINNER!'  
  
'I wasn't cool enough...' said Cage.  
  
'Dude, you weren't cool to begin with!'  
  
N.B: The "hit the deck" joke was taking from the almighty Billy Birmingham, aka The 12th Man! He's great, he's australian, get his CDs now and laugh! WARNING: 12th Man contains Eminem-level swearing and high-level sport references.  
  
=======================================================================  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	6. Round One Fights Part 3

====MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2====  
  
/Tournament Record ReCycled/  
  
[Begin Tournament Entry #06]  
  
-Round One Fights Part 3-  
  
As always, someone was sitting at the pub. This time it happened to be Cage.  
  
'Reptile, do you think I'm cool?'  
  
'Hmmm, you are warm-blooded, so you can't be cool,' said Reptile. 'Only lizards can be cool.'  
  
'Probably not the best person to ask. Stryker, do you think I'm cool?'  
  
'You're the star of those "Cage Tournament" movies, right?'  
  
'Yeah,' said Cage. 'You're the first person who's asked me that!'  
  
'Don't get hyped up,' said Stryker. 'The Cage Tournament trilogy is worse than Lord of the Rings and Back to the Future put together!'  
  
'Awww, I'm really that bad?'  
  
'Only as an actor.'  
  
'I wasn't acting in those movies.'  
  
'Sorry your life is so screwed up, man.'  
  
==SMOKE==  
  
'I-am-going-to-partay-tonight! Partay-tonight! Partay-tonight! Hey!-What-are-you-doing-drinking-all-my-oil?'  
  
The red robot dropped the oil can and ran. Luckily he was so drunk he didn't notice that the garage door was closed.  
  
==NEXT DAY==  
  
'Hmmm, everyone's fought in the tournament except me,' said Kabal. 'And Rayden, and Smoke, and Shang Tsung. And Shao Kahn. And Motaro. And Goro. And Cyrax. And Sektor. And Kitana. And -'  
  
'Jeez, just shut up and get in bed with me,' said Sheeva.  
  
==SMOKE==  
  
'I-need-to-fight-soon-or-I'll -'  
  
'And now, the fighters for the sixth battle!' announced Shao Kahn over the radio. 'It will be...Kabal versus Smoke!'  
  
'Yay! A-fight!'  
  
==THE STADIUM==  
  
'Welcome to this battle on this fine day!' said Goro. 'The sun is shining, the birds are out, perfect weather for a fight -'  
  
Suddenly it began to rain.  
  
'Oh crap!'  
  
'I-am-up-against-my-first-opponent. This-is-exciting!'  
  
'Who programmed you to say this shit, George Lucas?'  
  
'And we have Smoke, the guy who was turned into a robot, up against Kabal, the guy who was severely raped and turned out like he is, looking like the predator -'  
  
'Racist bastard!'  
  
'Get ready, get set, get -' Suddenly Goro was gagged by Shao Kahn.  
  
'I just knew he was gonna say something about bananas!' said Kahn. 'BEGIN THE FIGHT!'  
  
Smoke summed up his opponent. Kabal summed up the size of his balls. They both came to the conclusion that it wasn't so big.  
  
'Come on you stupid robot! Attack me!'  
  
Smoke lunged at Kabal, punching him in the face. Suddenly steam began emptying his mask. 'No! My face! My beautiful face!'  
  
'Haha!' said Smoke. Suddenly he took a blow to the face, and oil leaked out of it. Smoke responded by leaping at him and kicking him in the head.  
  
Kabal fell to the ground. 'You're going down, stupid robot!'  
  
'I-am-not-stupid, I-just-don't-have-a-brain-anymore.'  
  
Kabal jumped back up, and punched Smoke with both hands. Smoke flew back several metres, and crashed onto the ground. Pools of oil leaked out of him.  
  
'It looks as though Smoke isn't getting up,' said Goro. 'I think he's dead.'  
  
'I'm-not-dead-*cough*-I'm-just-not-up-to-fighting-anymore. You-are-a-biased-*cough*-commentator!'  
  
'That's strange,' said Kabal. 'I didn't think robots needed to cough.'  
  
'Oh,' said Goro, 'and now he's coughing up blood...'  
  
'That's oil,' said Kahn.  
  
'I can't help if I'm colour-blind!'  
  
'Hey, stupid robot, you're not faking this are you.'  
  
Smoke lifted up one arm, trying to sit up, but collapsed.  
  
'KABAL IS THE WINNER!'  
  
==================SCORECARDS==================================  
  
Kabal  
  
1-0  
  
Smoke  
  
0-1  
  
==============================================================  
  
Subzero and Scorpion were at the bar discussing things. 'You know what?'  
  
'What?'  
  
'I don't know,' said Scorpion, 'I was asking if you knew.'  
  
'That's helpful.'  
  
'No it isn't! Say, what do you think about Reptile?'  
  
'Don't know,' said Subzero. 'He's okay I guess.'  
  
'You know what I think?'  
  
'You're drunk.'  
  
'No, that's not what I think,' said Scorpion. 'I reckon, Reptile is actually a dinosaur under his costume. Or a reptile of some sort.'  
  
'Don't be stupid,' said Subzero. 'They'd have to have run out of good plots for that to happen.'  
  
==THE NEXT DAY==  
  
'Welcome to the seventh fight of the tournament! Bring out the big guns!'  
  
'As always, I will be commentating for this match,' said Goro. 'We have Shang Tsung, the big ugly freak with the power to transform into anyone at will!'  
  
'I'm not a freak!' shouted Shang Tsung. He then proceeded to dance around the stadium like a monkey.  
  
'Did we mention he's evil?'  
  
'That's right,' said Kahn. 'He's one evil monkey.'  
  
'Tsung used to be Shao Kahn's servant, and he is skilled in the arts of being a wanker -'  
  
Tsung death stared Goro.  
  
'I mean, skilled in the arts of conjurer-ism. Tsung will be facing off against Rayden, the guy who wears the funny hat and white clothes.'  
  
'I can defeat you easily,' said Shang-Tsung.  
  
'Unfortunately, you need skill to win.'  
  
'Get ready, get set, GO! BEGIN THE FIGHT!'  
  
Shang Tsung began concentrating. Rayden stood there, not knowing what was happening, then suddenly Tsung threw his arms forward. A gigantic green psychic ball flew at Rayden, but he didn't dodge it. Instead, he kicked it, and it flew at Shang Tsung exploding in his face.  
  
'Aargh!' screamed Shang Tsung. 'You'll pay for that?'  
  
'Haha! I'm broke!' Rayden stuck his tongue out at Tsung.  
  
Tsung jumped back up, and began punching at Rayden wildy. Rayden blocked every time, and then kneed Tsung, causing him to crouch over in pain.  
  
'I thought you didn't have anything down there to hurt!' said Rayden, sticking his tongue out again.  
  
'You're so immature.'  
  
'Am not!'  
  
'Am so.'  
  
'Am not!'  
  
'Am so.'  
  
'Am not!'  
  
'Am -' Rayden kicked Tsung in the face, then laughed. 'You suck!'  
  
Tsung stood up, and suddenly there wasn't any blood on his face. 'You underestimate fighters too easily.' He was about to swing a punch when Rayden beat him to it.  
  
'Ooh! Rayden's punching Tsung in the face! Again! And again! And again! And again! And again!'  
  
==TEN MINUTES LATER==  
  
'And again! And again! And...Tsung has collapsed! Rayden is the winner!'  
  
'Ahem!' said Shao Kahn. 'Don't steal my line.'  
  
'Well, say it then.'  
  
'RAYDEN IS THE WINNER!'  
  
'When we have a rematch, I'll kill you!' said Tsung, blood pouring out of his face.  
  
'Ooh, just like you did today?'  
  
==================SCORECARDS==================================  
  
Rayden  
  
1-0  
  
Shang Tsung  
  
0-1  
  
==============================================================  
  
N.B. There were NBs on the other two chapters, so I thought there should be one here as well. :P  
  
=======================================================================  
  
NEXT EPISODE: Halfway there. To the end of Round One, I mean. Then there's Round Two, and Round Three, and Round Four...And Round Five... 


	7. Round 1 and a Half Party

====MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2====  
  
/Tournament Record ReFlushed/  
  
[Begin Tournament Entry #07]  
  
/Round 1 and a Half Party/  
  
Shang Tsung walked out of the stadium, blood pouring out of his face. Why did I just tell you that? Coz I felt like it.  
  
Meanwhile, Scorpion's phone rang. 'Hello?'  
  
'Hey-oo, 'sup.'  
  
'Doo, doodoodoo. DOO-DOO! Nuttin' Sub, just watching the game, havin' a brew, 'sup witchu?'  
  
'Nuttin'. Watchin' TV havin' a brew.'  
  
'True, true.'  
  
'WASSSUUUUUH!' shouted Shao Kahn. 'WASSSUUUUUH!'  
  
'Uh, sorry guys,' said Goro. 'Kahn's been on a drinking binge. The problem is, he's been drinking nail polish.'  
  
'I have an announcement I think you'll all like,' said Kahn. 'All chicks have to go skinny-dippin'!'  
  
Sonya was disgusted. So disgusted, that she took her top off and ran through the streets mindlessly.  
  
'I think she's been at the nail polish,' said Reptile as she ran past.  
  
'That wasn't the announcement,' said Goro. 'That means all you guys have to come back.'  
  
'DAMN!' shouted Stryker.  
  
'The announcement is this: you have all made it halfway through Round One! We have seven more matches to go, then...a surprise...but for now, we'll be having a party in the Party Stadium!'  
  
==SHANG TSUNG==  
  
'Hey, where's the chicks skinny-dipping?' Tsung stood there, scratching his head in a confused manner.  
  
==THAT NIGHT==  
  
Music blasted out of the Stadium. 'Good thing this resort doesn't have neighbours!' said Motaro the Centaur.  
  
==NEXT DOOR TO THE RESORT==  
  
'Turn that racket down! Turn it down now, or I'm calling the police!'  
  
'Calm down, grandad. Despite what you think, it's actually *good* music.'  
  
Rayden looked around the Stadium. 'Where's Shang Tsung?'  
  
'Where's Shang Tsung?' said Sonya.  
  
'Where's Shang Tsung?' said Sindel.  
  
'Where's Shang Tsung?' said Sheeva.  
  
'Where-is-Shang-Tsung?' said Smoke.  
  
'Where's the cake?' said Scorpion.  
  
'Where's that grenade I had?' said Stryker.  
  
Suddenly there was a BOOM! and smoke rose into the atmosphere. That smoke went out to conspire against John F. Kennedy and shoot his ghost.  
  
'I hope it got Sheeva!' Stryker said excitedly.  
  
'I'm right behind you, dumbass.'  
  
==STRYKER==  
  
Stryker spun around. 'At least I'm not an ugly freak!'  
  
'How dare you call me freak!' said Sheeva. She got so angry that she began an interpretive dance.  
  
Suddenly Shang Tsung appeared out of nowhere in a flash of light. 'KAHN! Why didn't you tell me that skinny-dipping thing was a joke?!'  
  
'It wasn't a joke,' said Kahn defensively.  
  
'I nearly mistook a squid for Sheeva! Luckily I realised before I took my clothes off -'  
  
'AWW THAT'S GROSS!' said Stryker. 'You really are a freak.'  
  
Tsung stuck his fist out to try and grab Stryker, Jax-Style. He tried fifteen times, but each time he missed.  
  
'I'll let you off just this once, but if you annoy me again, you're in for it!'  
  
Stryker was just about to say something when Shao Kahn stepped up onto a stage in the middle of the Party Stadium. 'May I have your attention?'  
  
Everyone continued talking.  
  
'May I have your attention please?'  
  
They ignored him.  
  
'Will the real Slim Shady please stand up! I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up!'  
  
Subzero stood up.  
  
'We're gonna have a problem here.'  
  
Goro stepped up to the mic. 'Hello everyone! As you all know, this party isn't just about food and fun, but other stuff! That's right, there's a deeper meaning to this party, just like the chicken joke.'  
  
'We are going to hand out awards now,' said Shao Kahn. 'Motaro and Goro will present them!'  
  
'Hello Springfield!' said Motaro. 'I mean, audience! And the winner of the Worst Beaten-Up Fighter goes to...'  
  
He opened the letter.  
  
'Shang Tsung!'  
  
Tsung walked up on stage with a sour look on his face, snatched the note from Goro and walked off death-staring everyone.  
  
'And this next award,' said Goro, 'is for the Best Robot.'  
  
'I bet I'll win!' shouted Subzero.  
  
'And the winner,' said Motaro, as he opened the letter, 'is Smoke!'  
  
Smoke walked up on stage. 'First-off,-I'd-just-like-to-say-thanks-to - hey!-stop-pushing-me-off-the-stage!'  
  
'Please, no acceptance speeches,' said Goro. 'Or in Tsung's case, he's a dickhead.'  
  
'Hey! That's insulting and makes no sense!'  
  
'This next award is for Best Outfit,' said Motaro. 'The nominees are:  
  
Sheeva, for her rather, *shudder* revealing outfit;  
  
Rayden, for his traditional Chinese big-hatted man;  
  
Smoke, for his stylish robot design (in my opinion though he *needs* a new outfit);  
  
Subzero, Scorpion and Reptile for all wearing the same brand of clothing. And the same outfit. And the same accessories.  
  
'And the winner is...Kabal!'  
  
'Hang on, that's not right,' said Goro.  
  
'Sorry, I was just thinking about getting cable,' said Motaro. 'And the winner is...Rayden!'  
  
Rayden went up on stage, took his award, bowed, demonstrated some of his Chinese kung-fu, then sat back down.  
  
'This next award is for Best Female Fighter,' said Goro. 'And the nominees are...well, you know who they are.  
  
'I don't!' said Johnny Cage.  
  
'And the winner is...' Motaro opened the envelope. 'Smoke! Wait, wrong envelope.  
  
The winner is...Rayden! Wait, that's not right either. The winner is...'  
  
The audience gasped.  
  
'Kano?'  
  
'Kano isn't a woman!' said Goro. 'As far as I know...'  
  
'As far as YOU know,' said Kano.  
  
'The *real* winner is...Sindel!'  
  
Sindel walked onstage like a person on the catwalk, took her award, bowed and flew back down to her seat.  
  
Sonya shook her head. 'Showoff.'  
  
'Huh, how'd this envelope get here?' Goro wondered.  
  
'Shao Kahn said to do them all, so we're doing them all,' said Motaro.  
  
'Okay. This last award is for Most Gross Fighter.'  
  
'And the winner is...Sheeva!'  
  
Stryker burst out laughing. He was laughing so hard that he didn't feel Sheeva punch him. He also didn't feel the grenade she placed in his arms.  
  
'You're all laughing now,' said Sheeva, 'but later on...'  
  
'Holy shit!' said Stryker as he realised. 'Damn you, Sheeva! You wanna kill us all!' He threw the grenade, but it didn't make it out of the stadium.  
  
'What do you mean?'  
  
'That was one of my high-impact grenades you idiot!'  
  
'Uh-oh,' said Goro. He watched as everyone ducked, waiting for the grenade to go off. He turned to Shao Kahn, but Kahn insisted they keep going.  
  
'Uh, um - the skilled fighters are: Sonya, Sindel, Reptile, Scorpion, Subzero, Kabal and Rayden.'  
  
'And the low fighters are: Nightwolf, Kano, Sheeva, Stryker, Johnny Cage, Smoke and Shang Tsung. Have a nice day!'  
  
Motaro galloped out of the stadium, followed by Goro.  
  
'Here it comes!' shouted Stryker.  
  
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
=======================================================================  
  
As usual, Sheeva causes more trouble. Will she ever learn to just accept being a freak?  
  
Next episode: Did they survive? You figure it out yourself. 


	8. Girl Power

====MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2====  
  
/Tournament Record ReVoltaged/  
  
[Begin Tournament Entry #08]  
  
/Girl Power/  
  
'And then I woke up and it was all a dream,' Stryker said dreamily.  
  
Subzero shook his head. 'You mean you slept through the whole ceremony...party...thing?'  
  
'Yep,' said Stryker. 'It was a good dream too.'  
  
'I...don't want to know about it.'  
  
'Me either.'  
  
'Well, while you were dreaming, uh...well, the party was pretty boring. But after they announced the higher and lower fighters, the stadium collapsed.'  
  
'Really?'  
  
'Yeah. Sheeva got cranky when we started chanting "Freak" over and over again. Jeez, she's so sensitive. We were talking about a dog with three heads for god's sake.'  
  
'I see.'  
  
'Then she began stomping, and accidentally grabbed one of your grenades and collapsed the stadium.'  
  
'And then what happened?'  
  
'I woke up and it was all a dream.'  
  
'I can tell you what really happened,' Reptile said.  
  
'Yeah?' said Subzero.  
  
'Yeah. We were all sitting there, when Rayden tripped over, bumped Shang Tsung who was talking to Sheeva, and Tsung hit Sheeva. He landed with his face in between her boobs and his cup of Solo splashed all over here.'  
  
'Solo?'  
  
'I know! He's really weird, that Shang Tsung. Anyway, Sheeva threw him out of the stadium for being a pervert, and started stomping. She caused an earthquake and destroyed the stadium. Unfortunately some two drunk laze-arounders were in the stadium at the time, so we had to rescue them.'  
  
'What happened to Shang Tsung?' Stryker asked.  
  
Suddenly Tsung burst in. 'I've been walking for a whole day. A whole freaking day!'  
  
'Where were you?' Reptile asked.  
  
'She threw me all the way to Australia. Some people there are really scary. Scarier than Quan Chi. There was this one guy, Moppy, who kept on yelling "NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" in my ear.'  
  
'Yeah,' said Stryker, 'I heard some queer folk come from Australia.'  
  
==THE NEXT DAY==  
  
'Attention people!' said Kahn over the radio-intercom-thingy.  
  
'And to think I dumped someone like him,' Sindel said with a sigh.  
  
'Honey, climb back into bed,' said Shang Tsung.  
  
'Today's fight is between Sonya and Sindel. That is all.'  
  
Suddenly Sheeva burst in. 'Shang Tsung! You two-timing bastard! Sindel, I'll kill you for this!'  
  
'No, I'm sorry, real real sorry, I thought he was Stryker -'  
  
Suddenly Sheeva transformed, into...  
  
DUN DUN DUN!  
  
'Lock in C?'  
  
'Lock it in, Eddy.'  
  
'And the answer is...' Eddie Maguire smiled that evil smile of his. 'We will reveal the answer after the break!'  
  
The audience growled in unison.  
  
*Why do they always do that?* Eddie wondered.  
  
==NOT IN THE SET OF WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?==  
  
Sheeva transformed, and for a second there was a mesh of Sheeva, a horrible monster, and some horrible monster. Sindel screamed, until the transformation was complete.  
  
'Shang Tsung! You were Sheeva all along?'  
  
'Only since I burst in,' said Tsung.  
  
'Then...who was getting it on with me all night?'  
  
Tsung smiled that evil smile of his, and pointed at the person in bed with Sindel. Sindel turned her head, and...  
  
DUN DUN DUN!  
  
'Before the break, we locked in C. Are you sure the answer is C?'  
  
'YES! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO ANNOYING?'  
  
'I've locked in C. And the answer is...'  
  
The audience leaned forward in their seats.  
  
'The answer will be revealed after the break!'  
  
'THAT'S IT!' cried an audience member. 'I'M SICK OF YOUR ANNOYING TACTICS OF ANNOYANCE! I'M COMMITING SUICIDE!'  
  
And he stabbed himself there and then, and Juliet weeped like she had never wept before. 'You're a monster!'  
  
'I was only kidding!' said Eddie, but it was too late. The audience had left. 'Well at least I have you guys,' he said, turning to the studio crew. But they had gone too.  
  
'I'm all alone...'  
  
==BACK TO THE STORY==  
  
Sindel screamed as she stared at what she thought was Shang Tsung...but it had actually been STRYKER! And !! With some !!  
  
!  
  
Stryker laughed evilly. 'Uh, you wouldn't happen to be related to Eddie Maguire...?' said Sindel.  
  
'We are the evil people of evilness!' said Tsung.  
  
'More like evil people of patheticness.'  
  
'That sounds catchy...'  
  
'How did you do it? Uggh, now I feel impure.'  
  
'You've been impure ever since you slept with Kahn.'  
  
And so it was that Tsung revealed that Stryker had got Sindel drunk and put on similar clothes to Tsung's. Sindel was so drunk she couldn't tell the difference.  
  
Then Tsung burst in as Sheeva and got Sindel embarrassed.  
  
Then Stryker revealed Tsung just wanted to feel Sheeva's body, and he became embarrassed. And proceeded to rip off Stryker's head and eat it.  
  
Of course, it seemed that Tsung was also drunk. He had actually pulled down the bedroom curtains and stuffed them down his pants.  
  
==AT THE BATTLE STADIUM==  
  
'This kinda music, you sit and you be asked to do this when you when you hear something and you can't refuse -'  
  
'Get out, Motaro!' said Kahn. 'We don't want your filthy music karaoke in the commentary box.'  
  
'But it's Eminem! And my mother says I have natural talent!'  
  
'Eminem is crap,' said Kahn.  
  
'RACIST! YOU'RE A RACIST! DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'  
  
'Okay, it seems you've been drinking quite a bit lately,' said Goro. 'Just come here...'  
  
'Welcome to the stadium!' roared Kahn. 'Welcome to the fifth...what? Oh. Welcome to the eighth fight.'  
  
As Kahn talked, the sound of Motaro weeping could be heard in the background.  
  
'Today we have Sonya, the big-boobed, big ass bitch, going up against Sindel, who...hang on a sec, I wanna try speaking German. Sie ist gut im bett.'  
  
The Germans in the crowd roared.  
  
'What did you tell them?!' Sindel shouted.  
  
'Uh, that you're good looking?' said Kahn. He snickered, then said under his breath, 'Hehehe it really means she's good in bed.'  
  
'The microphone's on,' Goro pointed out.  
  
'Today's commentator will be Motaro.' Motaro stepped up to the microphone.  
  
'Okay...*sniff*...I'm a bit *sniff* sad, but Goro's helped me realise my *sniff* inner beauty. Get ready, get set, LET THE MATCH BEGIN!'  
  
Sindel jumped at Sonya, landed in front of her and said, 'I'm not the only one good in bed.'  
  
'Really?' said Sonya. 'Who else could it be?'  
  
'Kano,' said Sindel, licking her lips erotically. Sonya swung her right fist at Sindel, but she ducked and kicked Sonya in the balls - err, lower area.  
  
Sonya grabbed her lower area and jumped backwards, looking like one of those Dragonball Z characters that can jump real high and far and stuff. You know...  
  
'Wow! I saw some chick kick another chick's cun-' Kahn shook his head menacingly. 'And Sonya is kicked in the lower area. She looks like she's powering up...'  
  
'No dude,' said Goro. 'She's just standing there.'  
  
'Hey, that's how they do it in Dragonball Z.'  
  
Sonya threw a green ball of energy at Sindel, but she put her hands out and blocked it. It was pushing her backwards, but then she moved her hands and it went flinging out into space.  
  
==MIR SPACESTATION==  
  
Suddenly a small green meteor hit the spacestation. 'Stool,' said one of the russians.  
  
'Stool.'  
  
==BACK AT THE FIGHT==  
  
'Take me on,' said Sindel. 'I dare you to.'  
  
'At the national championships, bring it.'  
  
While Sindel was still confused, Sonya flew forward like in that DBZ game for Mega Drive (you know...) and elbowed Sindel in the face.  
  
'Ow! That was uncalled for!'  
  
'We're in a tournament fighting for our lives, you do realise.'  
  
'Bitch!'  
  
Sindel punched Sonya so fast it was almost supersonic. You know...faster than the speed of sound.  
  
'Eww! I touched her boob!'  
  
Sonya grabbed her chest and fell to the ground. 'It's not over yet...' She flung her foot up and kicked Sindel.  
  
'Aargh! My lower area!' Sindel hovered above Sonya for a second, and unfortunately the crowd thought she was ripping off The Matrix and shouted, 'Only human! Dodge this!'  
  
Sindel dropped, and landed on Sonya's lower chest. Sonya hurled, and the vomit spun through the air, and hit Sindel in the face.  
  
'SINDEL IS THE VOMIT-PERSON! I mean, SINDEL IS THE WINNER!'  
  
'Winning stinks,' said Sindel, wiping Sonya's stomach-contents off her face.  
  
==================SCORECARDS==================================  
  
Sonya  
  
0-1  
  
Sindel  
  
1-0  
  
==============================================================  
  
That night, for once, Subzero, Scorpion and Stryker weren't at the bar.  
  
Instead, they were at Johnny's pad partying and smoking pot.  
  
'I never knew you kept a pet lizard!' said Subzero to Cage.  
  
'I don't. Now could you please get your hand off my -'  
  
==SINDEL==  
  
'WOW that's huge.'  
  
Sindel sat there, staring at it.  
  
'I know,' said Shang Tsung. 'Do you...do you feel like doing it?'  
  
'I - I can't resist the temptation!' said Sindel. She reached out, grabbed it and took a big bite out of it.  
  
'Kit Kat Chunky. Who would've thought it would be so great?'  
  
==THE NEXT DAY==  
  
'Hello, my name is (what?) my name is (who?) my name is - SHAO KAHN-EE. As usual, there will be a fight today. And the people who will be fighting? Not telling.'  
  
There was the sound of a struggle, then Kahn spoke. 'Sorry, that's my four-armed son. On a completely unrelated topic, Sheeva will be fighting Stryker.'  
  
==SHEEVA==  
  
'Girl power!'  
  
==STRYKER==  
  
'Girl power!  
  
Will be absent in this battle.'  
  
==THE BATTLE STADIUM==  
  
'I'll crush you,' said Sheeva.  
  
'Yeah, coz you're fat! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha - ow! Don't punch until *after* he says go.'  
  
'And here we are, with this *huge* crowd,' said Shao Kahn. 'In one corner, we have Sheeva. She has four arms, she has a horrible outfit, give it up for Sheeva!'  
  
The crowd remained silent.  
  
'And in the other corner, we have Stryker. He's big, both in size and in his pants, and he never shaves! Well, he doesn't have to. Give it up for Stryker!'  
  
'Give up!' shouted someone in the crowd.  
  
'Oh, shut up. Motaro will commentate this match.'  
  
'Yes, it's me, Mister Big, Mister I'll cry if I want to, Mister Motaro!'  
  
The crowd remained silent.  
  
'Get ready, get set, LET THE MATCH BEGIN! In a few seconds, I just wanna finish painting my toenails.'  
  
Stryker jumped, and strangely flew right over to Sheeva. He stuck his foot out and it happened to collide with her face.  
  
'Oh no! You might have ruined my beautiful looks!'  
  
'Oh no!' Stryker mocked. 'You'll look even more like Shang Tsung!'  
  
Sheeva swung one of her fists at Stryker, who happened to be in the way. Stryker fell to the floor.  
  
'Haha!' said Sheeva. 'I have kicked you when you're down!'  
  
'Not yet.' THUD. 'I spoke too soon didn't I.'  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
'Well, it's come down to this,' said Stryker as he stood up. 'Mono-e-mono. Man to man.'  
  
'Hey!' said Sheeva.  
  
'Let me finish. We'll do it my way, or the highway - ooooooooooooooooow.' Stryker fell to the ground, with a fatal blow to the groin. Not fatal to himself, but to millions of others.  
  
'SHEEVA IS THE WINNER!'  
  
'Too easy,' said Sheeva. Stryker pulled off his shoe and threw it at her. 'Ow! Mein dich ist krank!'  
  
'Your dick is crank?'  
  
'Nein, shaicakopf.'  
  
'Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! She's speaking like Shadow4ever now!!!!!!!'  
  
Goro shook his head. 'I think that pot went to his head.'  
  
'He wasn't at the pot party,' said Cage, who was in the commentary box for some reason.  
  
'Maybe it was the blow to his -'  
  
==SINDEL==  
  
'Wow. It's even bigger.'  
  
'Yeah,' said Scorpion. 'You'll get lots of pleasure from this.'  
  
Sindel stared at it, drooling in anticipation. Savouring the moment, she reached out, grabbed it, and moaned with pleasure.  
  
'Yeah,' said Scorpion. 'Good. Yeah.'  
  
'You got a cigarette lighter?'  
  
=======================================================================  
  
Next Episode: What is Sindel doing? Why is this chapter entitled 'Girl Power', although one of the fighters mentioned is Stryker?  
  
Why ask stupid questions?  
  
'You sure about it?'  
  
'YES, EDDY,' said the contestant with gritted teeth. 'Lock in D.'  
  
'I'll run through the question once more. Am I a) Annoying,  
  
b) A time-waster,  
  
c) A moron,  
  
d) All of the above.'  
  
'LOCK IN D, EDDY.'  
  
'D it is. And the correct answer...will be revealed after the break.'  
  
'AAARGH!' Chainsaw revving, followed by screaming of pain. 


	9. Good Guys & Losers

====MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2====  
  
/Tournament Record ReToasted/  
  
[Begin Tournament Entry #09]  
  
/Good Guys & Losers/  
  
==SINDEL==  
  
'Wow. It's even bigger.'  
  
'Yeah,' said Scorpion. 'You'll get lots of pleasure from this.'  
  
Sindel stared at it, drooling in anticipation. Savouring the moment, she reached out, grabbed it, and moaned with pleasure.  
  
'Yeah,' said Scorpion. 'Good. Yeah.'  
  
'You got a cigarette lighter?'  
  
'Dude, the doobie's already been lighted.'  
  
'Oh. Sorry.' Sindel took another puff, and moaned with more pleasure.  
  
'Yeah,' said Scorpion. 'That smells good.'  
  
'Why do you keep on doing that?'  
  
'I'm getting the smoke that comes out of your mouth.'  
  
'You mean you're getting high off my breath?! Are you trying to COME ONTO ME?!?!?!'  
  
Before Scorpion could say 'No', Sindel had kicked him.  
  
'I'm not going to be your dealer anymore,' Scorpion threatened.  
  
'Sorry.'  
  
Suddenly Shao Kahn's voice came out of the speakers in everyone's house. 'This is Big Brother. Johnny Cage and Kabal report to the diary room.'  
  
'What the f-?' said Goro.  
  
'It means Cage and Kabal will be fighting.'  
  
'Oh.'  
  
==SHEEVA==  
  
'Thanks German teacher.' The German teacher left her house-resort-place-thing. 'So it's sheisse, not shaica. HINT HINT: Shadow4ever! Read previous sentence!'  
  
'Riiiiiight,' said the German teacher, who had apparently not left. He made the crazy sign with his hand, and said under his breath, 'Skitzophreniac bastard.'  
  
'I'm not a bastard! Both my parents were married fifty times (to fifty different people) when they made me!'  
  
The German teacher shuddered.  
  
==AT THE BATTLE STADIUM==  
  
'Nothing changes coz it's all the same, the world you get's the one you give away, it all just happens again WAY DOWN THE LINE! And all the things you learn when you're a kid, you'll f-'  
  
'Shut UP Motaro!' boomed Kahn. 'Didn't I tell you to stop bringing that Eminem crap-'  
  
'RACIST!' shouted the crowd.  
  
'That crap in here?'  
  
'It's not Eminem, sir,' said Motaro. 'It's The Offspring.'  
  
'Oh,' said Kahn sarcastically. 'And I suppose the song's called "Way Down a Line" and it's off the album "Ixnay on the Hombre".'  
  
'Yep!' said Motaro, smiling like this smiley: ^____^ -- Smiling like that one.  
  
'Well...anyway...here we have Kabal on one side, the guy with the wierd mask, and on the other side, Johnny Cage the guy who doesn't wear a mask but is still wierd.'  
  
The crowd cheered because Kahn had called Johnny Cage weird. Which he is.  
  
'Today's commentator will be Motaro.'  
  
Motaro stepped up to the microphone. 'Can you do it like this? Mixed media. Step up to microphone. (Vinyl scratching noise) Mixed media - step up to microphone. Can you do it like this, this, this, this-'  
  
'What the hell are you doing?' said Kahn. 'Singing Offspring or Eminem or something?'  
  
'Linkin Park,' said Motaro. 'Anyway, get ready, get set, GO TO THE CANDY BAR!'  
  
The crowd rushed out of the stadium.  
  
'That's just great,' said Kahn sarcastically. 'Just *great*. Now they'll *never* come back.'  
  
==AT THE CANDY BAR==  
  
Goro stood behind the counter wearing a funny hat. 'Holy crap, what did those guys do to this crowd?'  
  
==BACK AT THE FIGHT APPROXIMATELY HALF AN HOUR LATER==  
  
'Well, most of the people are back from the candy bar,' said Motaro. 'Get ready, get set -'  
  
Kahn tapped him on the shoulder, then pointed out the commentary box at the stadium. Five people were sitting in a group talking, and one guy was playing a Gameboy. The rest of the stadium was empty.  
  
Motaro sighed.  
  
==BACK AT THE FIGHT APPROXIMATELY AN HOUR LATER==  
  
'Hmmm, at least this is an improvement.' Motaro looked out at the half-full stadium. 'Fighters, get ready, get set, LET THE MATCH BEGIN!'  
  
Cage dropped to his belly and started commando-crawling. Kabal laughed so hard at his feeble attempt that he fell to the ground, rolling around laughing his anus off.  
  
'I should be the winner now,' Cage shouted.  
  
'Uh, you need to at least hit him first or something,' said Motaro.  
  
Cage walked over to Kabal and kicked him in the stomach, which caused him to laugh even more. 'Is that enough?'  
  
'Sorry, Kahn's telling me you have to keep on going. He also told me that you looked up Kabal's pants once - oh wait I'm not sposed to tell anyone. Continue.'  
  
==BACK AT THE FIGHT APPROXIMATELY TWO HOURS LATER==  
  
Kabal was still rolling around laughing his asshole off. 'Come on!' shouted Cage. 'What's left of the crowd are getting bored! And this is ruining my tan big time!'  
  
'Very well,' said Kahn with a sigh. 'CAGE IS THE WINNER!'  
  
One of the people in the crowd cheered. But that was because he had just defeated the Elite Four on his Gameboy.  
  
==================SCORECARDS==================================  
  
Johnny Cage  
  
1-1  
  
Sindel  
  
1-1  
  
==============================================================  
  
Smoke opened the garage door and let some sunlight in.  
  
'Can-I-go-yet?' said the red robot, which was imprisoned in a cage.  
  
'Not-until-you-pay-me-back-for-drinking-my-oil!' said Smoke.  
  
'Oh-well,' said the red robot (Sektor). He grabbed an iron bar lying around and bent it so it made a quaint little right angle. Then he went back to watching through the iron bars of his cage, wishing he could escape...  
  
==REPTILE==  
  
'I haven't been mentioned often yet, so I'll just say this. Uh...'  
  
==KANO==  
  
Kano was cleaning his eye-lense when Shao Kahn's voice was heard. 'Are you hearing voices...(voices voices voices) It might be because you're insane...(ane, ane, ane) or it could be because I'm testing out ways to use this microphone!'  
  
Kano rolled his eyes - err, eye.  
  
'Today's fight, which hopefully is more entertaining than yesterday's fight, will be...Rayden and Nightwolf!'  
  
Nightwolf put his hand over his mouth several times shouting, to do that Indian thing. You know, the thing that Indians do.  
  
==AT THE BATTLE STADIUM==  
  
'Welcome to the...uh, Motaro, what number fight is this?'  
  
'I have no idea.'  
  
'Uh...welcome to the next fight in this tournament! We have that Indian guy, Nightwolf, up against that white Chinese guy, Rayden!'  
  
'I im noh Chinee!' said Rayden.  
  
'I'm not an Indian!' said Nightwolf. He then danced around like Indians usually do. 'Like I said before, I'm not Indian!'  
  
'Motaro will commentate this match.'  
  
'Hello, it's me Motaro! Okie dokie, let's get on with the show. Get ready, get set, LET THE MATCH BEGIN!'  
  
Nightwolf wipped out his Indian boomerang and threw it. Rayden wipped off his round white hat and threw it. The boomerang hit the hat, and then they began to whack each other. The hat and the boomerang fought and fought, whacking each other, until they just fell.  
  
'Damn Chinee hat!'  
  
'Damn Chinee boomerang! I mean Indian boomerang! I mean, I'M NOT INDIAN!'  
  
'I know you are but what am I?' said Motaro.  
  
Rayden leapt at Nightwolf like a tiger. Nightwolf leapt away like a coward. Rayden fell and ate the dust; Nightwolf walked away and ate lunch.  
  
'Uh, next time could you stay in this stadium please?' said Motaro as Nightwolf walked in with a bag of chips.  
  
Little did he know, but Rayden had secretly followed him and had used a dummy. It was so life-like that everyone instantly knew Rayden had gone too.  
  
Nightwolf ate some more chips, unaware Rayden was standing right behind him. Rayden pulled out a knife...  
  
(Eerie "just before character's about to get stabbed" music)  
  
Nightwolf spun around and tripped Rayden over. Once again Rayden ate dust. Nightwolf ate a chip.  
  
'How...how did you...how did you know?' Rayden asked, breathless (eating dust isn't very nice).  
  
'When I got the chips, I saw you as you came out of the Knife Shop.'  
  
'No...not that...' said Rayden, who was stilling lying on the ground. 'How...how...how did you...how did you know...'  
  
'Hurry up and spit it out!' said Motaro.  
  
'How did you know I was going to stab you right at the instant you tripped me?'  
  
'Because I heard the eerie music. It was the type of music that plays just before a character's about to get stabbed in a movie.'  
  
'I...see...' Rayden fainted.  
  
'NIGHTWOLF IS THE -'  
  
'Suddenly Rayden jumped up, pulled a staff out of nowhere and spun around like Neo in Matrix 2, only instead of using the staff to trip Nightwolf, he used it to slam into Nightwolf's neck.' - Motaro  
  
'RAYDEN IS THE WINNER!'  
  
Nightwolf groaned.  
  
'NIGHTWOLF IS THE CRIPPLE!'  
  
=======================================================================  
  
Okay, so there were only losers in this chapter. What do you expect? Next Episode: Instead of telling you what's happening, why don't I just ask stupid questions? Like why Pokemon never go to the bathroom? And why some people don't like Linkin Park? (Seriously, they must have brain damage or something.) :P 


	10. The Three Ninjas

====MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2====  
  
/Tournament Record ReElevated/  
  
[Begin Tournament Entry #10]  
  
/The Three Ninjas/  
  
'Ooh, it doesn't look good.'  
  
'Will I ever be able to walk again?' Nightwolf asked.  
  
'No,' said the doctor solemnly. Nightwolf sighed, and looked down to the wheelchair he was sitting in.  
  
'Will I ever be able to control anything other than my head and neck ever again?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Do you ever say anything other than no?'  
  
'No.'  
  
==RAYDEN==  
  
Rayden sat at the table eating rice.  
  
That's it. What, you expected him to do something?  
  
==SMOKE==  
  
'Here,-have-some-food.' Smoke tossed a carbon rod into Sektor's cage.  
  
'I'm-not-hungry.'  
  
'Yes-you-are,-now-eat-your-food!'  
  
'I-won't-eat-it!'  
  
'Fine! I'll-just-force-feed-you!' Smoke grabbed the carbon rod, and slammed it into Sektor. It glowed, and then was melted into him.  
  
'Ow! That-hurts!'  
  
'Shut-up.'  
  
==CAGE==  
  
'You do know that you cheated, right?' said Scorpion.  
  
Cage opened his beer. 'Yeah, but I knew that Kabal would fall for it and start laughing. But, I didn't think I was *that* funny.'  
  
'No one did. We all just thought you were a loser.'  
  
'I'm not a loser!' Cage went back to drinking his ginger beer.  
  
==SHEEVA==  
  
'Come here, you.'  
  
'No! I don't like this torture! Can't you let me go?'  
  
'No.'  
  
Sheeva stood up slowly, keeping her eye on Kabal.  
  
'I don't like you, I want to get out! Somebody help me! HELP!'  
  
Sheeva was about to jump when Kahn's voice came over the intercom-thingy. 'Today, as usual, there will be another battle. This time, it's...'  
  
Sheeva listened intently, her eye on the megaphone in the corner of the room.  
  
'It's...'  
  
Kabal slowly moved over to the door...  
  
'...'  
  
Sheeva held her breath.  
  
'Kano! And...'  
  
Kabal turned the knob on the door...  
  
'And...'  
  
Sheeva took a breath, then held it again.  
  
'...'  
  
Kabal slowly opened the door...  
  
'Reptile! Sorry for keeping you waiting there, and see you at the battle stadium!'  
  
Kabal made a run for it, not bothering to open the front door.  
  
Sheeva watched through the hole Kabal had made as he ran for his life. 'I'll get you back one day! I'LL GET YOU!'  
  
Kabal shuddered.  
  
==AT THE BATTLE STADIUM==  
  
'Welcome to the battle stadium!' said Kahn. 'Today, in the...eleventh? Today's match is Kano, the guy with the weird glass eye, up against Reptile.'  
  
'It's not glass!' said Kano. He pointed to the pog. 'Don't laugh, it helps me see better.'  
  
'Okay,' said Motaro. 'I'll be commentating this match. Ready, set, LET THE FIGHT BEGIN!'  
  
'It's let the match begin,' said Kahn.  
  
'Oh, *fine* then,' said Motaro annoyedly. 'LET THE MATCH BEGIN!'  
  
Kano did a nice little kung-fu number which proceeded to confuse both Reptile, Kahn, Motaro and the crowd. (Yes, Kano can be that confusing.)  
  
'Riiiiiight,' said Reptile. He leapt at Kano and bicycle-kicked him till he fell over in the dirt.  
  
'Hey!' shouted Liu Kang who happened to be in the audience. 'That's my move!'  
  
The crowd pulled out a machine gun and shot Liu Kang so many times that he was confetti by the time they had finished. Sure, a few crowd members were shot, but what can you do?  
  
'Get up, baldy,' said Reptile. Kano spat out some blood then stood up. 'Choking on your own blood already?' Reptile taunted.  
  
'Ever heard of a thing called blood capsules?'  
  
'Yeah,' said Reptile. 'They're these capsules and when you bite down on them red stuff that looks like blood comes out.'  
  
'Cool, I always wondered what they did,' said Kano. He pulled out two capsules, threw them in his mouth and chomped down hard. He swallowed, though most of it dripped down his chin. 'Mmm, blood.'  
  
'It's not actually blood, you know that?'  
  
'WHAT?!?! You mean I wasted all that time swallowing when it wasn't real blood?'  
  
'Afraid so.'  
  
'Damn.' Kano swung his fist, but Reptile ducked. Kano swung again, and Reptile ducked again. Kano swung once more, and Reptile ducked. Without realising it, Kano kneed him in the face.  
  
Reptile hissed and spat a green gooey substance at Kano. 'Aargh! My pog! It burns! It burns!'  
  
'Feel my venom!' Reptile shouted, jumping to his feet.  
  
'It's not venom!' Kano screamed in pain. 'It's flem!'  
  
'Come again?'  
  
'Snot!'  
  
'Huh?'  
  
Kano shook his head, and swung at Reptile. Reptile ducked. Kano tried to uppercut Reptile, but he jumped out of the way. Reptile swung his leg up as high as it would go, it connected with Kano's jaw and sent him flying three metres into the air.  
  
Kano landed, stirring dust up. 'Ha!' said Reptile. 'You suck! You really *cough* really *cough* crap, I'm asthmatic.'  
  
Reptile coughed uncontrollably, allowing Kano time to stand up. 'Time to take out the trash!' Kano shouted. He grabbed a nearby bin, emptied it into the dumpster outside the stadium, and came back in. 'You're going down, Reptile!'  
  
Suddenly Reptile hallucinated, and began singing. 'Down, down, down, down, down down down...to Pussytown.'  
  
Kano jumped at Reptile, and tried to kick him sideways. Unfortunately he missed completely and fell on his side. Suddenly Reptile returned to normal, and began kicking Kano.  
  
'No, no! No! Make it stop!'  
  
Reptile kept kicking until Kano went limp. And continued kicking.  
  
'Uh, Reptile, you've already won.'  
  
==THAT NIGHT==  
  
Motaro finally fell asleep. The empty stadium was filled with grunts as Reptile kicked at the unconscious Kano.  
  
==================SCORECARDS==================================  
  
Kano  
  
0-2  
  
Reptile  
  
2-0  
  
==============================================================  
  
'Do the drunk dance! Do the drunk dance! Do the drunk dance!'  
  
Scorpion, Cage and Kabal chanted as Nightwolf drunkenly made his way to the middle of the pub.  
  
'Do the drunk dance! Do the drunk dance!'  
  
'Do the drunk dance...*burp*' Nightwolf spun around, thinking someone had tapped him on the shoulder. He kept on doing this until he fell flat on his face.  
  
'Awww, come on!' shouted Cage. 'Get back up!'  
  
Nightwolf tried to sit up, vomited, then fell back down again. He could smell the beer and peanuts quite strongly in his vomit.  
  
'This is crap!' said Kabal. 'I want to see the drunk dance!'  
  
'I think you'll find it's overrated,' said the bartender.  
  
'Shut up you,' said Scorpion.  
  
'Yes sir.'  
  
'GET OVER HERE!' Scorpion's little scorpion-thing came out of his hand, caught Nightwolf by the ponytail, and whipped him back up. He looked around disoriented, wondering how he was magically standing up again.  
  
'Do the drunk dance! Do the drunk dance! Do the drunk dance!'  
  
Nightwolf took a swig of his beer, despite the fact he had vomited in it. 'Mmm...tasty...'  
  
==SMOKE==  
  
'Partay! Partay! I-like-to-partay!'  
  
Smoke did the robot dance, and he was surprisingly bad at it. He tripped and landed flat on his face. 'Oh-well,-my-doctor-told-me-I-should-lie-down-every-now-and-then-anyway...'  
  
==SONYA==  
  
'Ooh, it's nice and cold here!'  
  
Sonya looked around her room. It was pretty much an ice-cube room. Ice stalagmites and stalagtites dripped and rose from the ground and ceiling respectively, ice covered the walls, ice was at the edge of the bed.  
  
'Come here, Subby, I want to make my bed warmer...'  
  
Subzero turned and saw that Sonya was sitting upright in her bed, wearing nothing. 'Uh...I need to go to work now...bye!' He ran out of the house before Sonya could object.  
  
'Strange, I didn't know he *had* a job.'  
  
==CAGE==  
  
'Do the drunk dance! Do the drunk dance!' chanted the three.  
  
'That's it,' said Cage, 'this guy's going down.'  
  
Cage walked up to Nightwolf, poised his fist in front of Nightwolf's face, and was about to hit him (after three seconds of waiting and no reaction from Nightwolf or the bartender) when suddenly the room became cold.  
  
'THE DEMENTORS ARE HERE!' screamed Scorpion. He leapt over the bar and crouched behind it. 'Ooh, free beer.'  
  
'It's just me,' said Subzero. He was met with the bartender throwing Scorpion at him. He caught Scorpion and threw him to Cage.  
  
'Hehe, this is fun,' said Cage, as he threw Scorpion to Kabal. Kabal swung Scorpion, ready to throw him. 'Hey, you!' he yelled at someone sitting at the table. He turned around, to reveal himself as Shang Tsung. 'Yeah. Catch!'  
  
Tsung stood up, and tried to catch Scorpion. As if in slow motion, Scorpion fell and smashed his head against Tsung's metal boots.  
  
'BUTTERFINGERS!'  
  
==REPTILE==  
  
'Hello?'  
  
'Hi, Reptile,' said a voice on the other phone. 'Could you please come over?'  
  
'Why?'  
  
'I found a stray lizard,' said the voice. 'Can you help me figure out where its supposed to go?'  
  
'Sure, I'll be right over.'  
  
==SHANG TSUNG==  
  
'It's not my fault I can't catch!'  
  
'Yes it is,' said Cage.  
  
'Well...well...IT'S NOT MY FAULT!' Tsung broke down in tears. 'LEAVE ME ALONE!'  
  
Subzero shot ice at Tsung (why? coz he felt like it), but Tsung spun around, held out his hand, and the ice droplets froze.  
  
Cage, Kabal, the bartender, Subzero, and the unconscious Scorpion all gasped.  
  
Tsung reached out, grabbed one of the ice droplets, then let it fall to the ground. As they all watched, the other ice droplets fell to the ground as well, making the sound a bullet shell makes when it falls.  
  
'OH MY GOD HE'S A FREAK!' shouted the bartender.  
  
'Once again the only sober person here has caused chaos,' said Subzero as Shang Tsung stared angrily at them all. A yellow aura began to flash around him, and he held his fists out as if he was charging up. 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH -'  
  
==SONYA==  
  
'Glad you could come, Reptile.'  
  
'Okay, now where's the dead lizard - what happened to this place?'  
  
'Subby renovated it.'  
  
'I see...' Reptile looked around, then turned to Sonya. 'Well, where - why are you sitting upright in bed with no clothes on?'  
  
'Coz I feel like it,' said Sonya.  
  
Reptile began shaking nervously. 'So, uh, um, there was no, uh, um, um, uh, no lizard?'  
  
'Nope.'  
  
Reptile began shaking so bad that lizards were falling out of his pockets and crawling away. 'So what did you err, uh, um, call me here for, err, err, err...'  
  
Sonya smiled in a way that made Reptile think maybe she'd been possessed. 'I want you to -'  
  
==SUBZERO==  
  
'GET THE HELL OUTTA MY BAR!' screamed the bartender.  
  
There were broken glass bottles everywhere. Tables were upturned. Scorpion was still unconscious. The bartender was furious.  
  
Shang Tsung stood there, panting. He had just screamed for five minutes, and his aura finally got too big. It literally exploded and turned the pub into a general mess.  
  
Kabal laughed when he saw a family stuck underneath a table, the chairs they were sitting at on top of the table, a chunk of the bar on top of the chairs, the fan on top of the chunk of the bar, and a good portion of the roof on top of the fan.  
  
'GET OUT!' screamed the bartender. 'YOU'VE KILLED EVERYONE HERE!'  
  
'You're alive,' Tsung protested. 'Kabal's alive. Subzero's alive. Cage is...being an idiot. Scorpion is unconscious, but alive.'  
  
'Think again,' said Subzero. He pointed to where Scorpion lay. His head was squashed by a table. On top of the table were a few chairs. On top of the chairs was a chunk of the bar...  
  
'He'll live,' said Tsung. 'I can revive him.' He waved his arms about madly, threw some funny sparkling dust at Scorpion, and soon they heard muffled screams:  
  
'AAARGH! THE PAIN! THE PAIN! MY FACE IS BURNING! YOU COULD'VE REVIVED ME ONCE YOU GOT MY OUT FROM UNDER HERE! AAAARGH I CAN SEE BLOOD! AAR*gurgle gurgle gurgle*' and suddenly Scorpion's flailing body became limp again.  
  
'Uh, I'll revive him again later...'  
  
==THE NEXT DAY==  
  
'Ahem!' boomed Shao Kahn's voice. 'Everyone wake up!'  
  
'Huh - what -' Reptile sat upright in bed, then turned left and looked at the floor. 'Holy crap, I took my suit off!' He turned to his right, and gasped. 'HOLY CRAP I SLEPT WITH SONYA!'  
  
==SCORPION==  
  
Scorpion was having nightmares about his double-death the night before when he was awoken by a familiar voice screaming 'HOLY CRAP I SLEPT WITH SONYA!'  
  
==REPTILE==  
  
'Err, hopefully no one heard that.'  
  
'I see Reptile's awake,' said Kahn with a snicker. 'Have a good night?'  
  
Reptile put his head in his hands with shame.  
  
'Today's fight is lucky thirteen!' said Kahn. 'And the fighters are...Scorpion and Subzero!'  
  
==AT THE BATTLE STADIUM==  
  
'What a lovely day today, and a wonderful crowd,' said Kahn. 'Today's match is Scorpion the orange guy with the suit, up against Subzero, the blue guy who today is wearing a suit. This just in: as recent as yesterday Scorpion died twice, and was revived.'  
  
The crowd cheered.  
  
'Yeah,' muttered Scorpion. 'You'd cheer too if you had your head squashed under a table.'  
  
'I would!' said Subzero enthusiastically.  
  
'Today's commentator on this interesting match is Motaro.'  
  
'Yes, here I am on this great warm day. What a HUGE crowd we have here. These two HUGE wrestlers, getting pumped up for the match.' Goro pulled him into the sideline of the commentary box, then Motaro returned. 'Uh, here we are today with these two fighters. Unfortunately this is not wrestling...'  
  
Scorpion and Subzero eyed each other. Well, there was nothing else to do since the masks covered their faces.  
  
'Get ready, get set, LET THE MATCH BEGIN!'  
  
Scorpion and Subzero walked in circles like the cowboys on Westerns. Only this was as interesting as watch paint dry. (Which is really quite fascinating, you should try it sometime.)  
  
'Hurry up and start fighting!' yelled one of the crowd-members.  
  
'GET OVER HERE!' The snake in Scorpion's hand clutched the crowd-member by the throat then pulled him into the arena.  
  
'What - what are you doing? You're not supposed to do this!'  
  
Scorpion ignored the crowd-member's spluttering and dropped him. 'Let's take this damn little --------- out.' Suddenly Scorpion and Subzero were stomping him into the dirt. Literally.  
  
'...and no regrets I need the lights on these dark sets, I need a voice to let myself, to let myself go free...' Kahn sung. 'What, I'm not allowed to support Metallica's new song?'  
  
Several crowd-members stood up and threw objects at Kahn. 'Jeez, these damn Metallica fans who believe only the old music is good. If I could give them a piece of my mind.'  
  
Goro chuckled.  
  
'What you laughing at?'  
  
'Nothing.' Goro smiled, imagining Kahn ripping off the top of his skull and throwing bits and pieces of his brain at the damn Metallica fans.  
  
'And the fighters are still...doing nothing,' Motaro commentated. Suddenly Subzero slid along the ground and tripped Scorpion. His skid-marks turned to pure ice, which made it even more painful for Scorpion.  
  
Scorpion stood up and ran at Subzero. Subzero shot a bout of ice at Scorpion, and before he could dodge he had become a popsicle. Subzero upper-cutted him, shattering the ice - and Scorpion with him.  
  
Suddenly the sun came out from behind the clouds, and the small pieces of ice melted into a mercury-type liquid. These small pools of liquid metal fused together, as if they were designed to find other pools of mercury. The pool of silver metal then slowly grew, until it formed the shape of Scorpion's form.  
  
'Hasta la vista, Subby.'  
  
The snake in Scorpion's hand sliced clean through Subzero's mouth, and strangely enough he was holding a milk carton. 'Wolfie's fine,' Subzero managed to say, before the snake exited his flesh and he collapsed to the ground.  
  
Scorpion held up his hands in triumph. 'Who the cool! I'm the cool! Who the foo'? He the foo'!'  
  
While Scorpion was gloating, he didn't notice Subzero's wounds fill with the same liquid metal-substance, then heal over. Subzero stood up, grabbed Scorpion by the back of his neck, and raised him high in the air.  
  
Slowly Scorpion began to freeze over. Subzero let go, expecting Scorpion to drop, but the ice had frozen his hand to Scorpion's neck. 'Dammit!' He hurled his hand forward, and a Scorpion-sculpture flew into the audience. The head was decapitated from the rest of the body, and a crowd-member caught it.  
  
'I gots me a souvenir!' said the country hick.  
  
Meanwhile, the ice sculpture landed next to a fat guy. 'Eww, that's gross.' He then began licking the ice.  
  
Scorpion saw this, and tried to scream out in horror, but he couldn't.  
  
'SUBZERO IS THE WINNER!'  
  
=======================================================================  
  
Next Episode: The last fight for the round! Will *you* be the first to figure out the winner?  
  
Of course not. No one knows...*doo doo doo-doo, doo doo doo-doo. doo doo.* We get these pills to swallow... 


	11. Last Fight

====MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2====  
  
/Tournament Record ReTerminated/  
  
[Begin Tournament Entry #11]  
  
/Last Fight/  
  
Night had arrived long before Scorpion finally unthawed. Or thawed.  
  
'Damn Subzero,' he said, standing up and walking towards the exit. 'What the f-'  
  
==SONYA==  
  
'Come on, please stay.'  
  
'Sorry Sonya,' said Stryker. 'I need to do stuff.'  
  
'Please?'  
  
'Once again, I'm sorry but I need to leave -'  
  
'What if I do this?' Sonya pulled off her top. Stryker observed she wasn't wearing anything under it.  
  
'Well, maybe I'll stay for a few hours...'  
  
==SCORPION==  
  
'Great. I'm stuck here.'  
  
Scorpion stared angrily at the stadium doors. Why did they have to close them, lock them, double lock them, padlock them, and put a hex on them before they left?  
  
'SOMEONE LET ME OUT!'  
  
==STRYKER==  
  
'How did you get them that big?'  
  
'I pull at them every night,' Sonya replied, sitting naked on the bed.  
  
'So that's how you get sheets to fit the bed...'  
  
'You finished yet?'  
  
'Yep.' Stryker hopped into the bed, and grabbed Sonya. 'Let's make a night to remember!'  
  
==SCORPION==  
  
'Hey, I found a pocket knife.' Scorpion hacked his way out of the stadium and ran out. 'I'm free!'  
  
Suddenly a block of ice hit him and launched him back into the stadium.  
  
'D'OH!'  
  
==SONYA==  
  
Sonya lay snoring in the bed.  
  
'No fair!' said Stryker. 'I hadn't even started!' He watched her sleeping, then smiled evilly. He placed his head on her chest, and inhaled.  
  
'Huh - what the -' Suddenly Stryker's head got stuck! 'What the hell does she put in here, super glue?!?' Stryker was going to die of suffocation because Sonya was more "equipped" than other women.  
  
'Oh well, may as well enjoy it.' So he stopped trying to pull himself out, and instead felt her up.  
  
==SUBZERO==  
  
'Hey Sub!' said Kabal. 'Can you show me your ice-trick?'  
  
'Sure.' Subzero said. He formed a block of ice, and shot it out into the distance. 'D'OH!'  
  
==SHEEVA==  
  
'How about you hop into bed?'  
  
'Okay.' Shang Tsung hopped into Sheeva's bed. 'But this is only because I owe you.' He looked at her, shivered and turned the other way. 'Might as well get it over and done with.'  
  
==KABAL==  
  
'I bet you can't get Subzero to do his ice-trick,' said Johnny Cage.  
  
'I bet I can.'  
  
'Show me then.'  
  
Kabal and Cage walked out of the bar, leaving their drinks behind. Subzero was outside, waiting for someone. Cage hid in the bushes and watched as Kabal walked up to Subzero.  
  
'Hey Sub! Can you show me your ice-trick?'  
  
'Sure.' Kabal obscurely gave Cage the thumbs-up, and watched as Subzero formed a block of ice, shooting it into the distance.  
  
'D'OH!'  
  
==SHANG TSUNG==  
  
Tsung shivered once again. He had never seen anything this hideous before. He thought he would've enjoyed it, but he was wrong.  
  
'Do you want me to take my clothes off now?'  
  
==JOHNNY CAGE==  
  
'How's life?' asked the bartender.  
  
'It's okay,' said Cage. 'So far nothing too interesting has happened. Except for this tournament of course.'  
  
'Of course.' The bartender cleaned a few mugs. 'Say, what do you think of that Subzero guy?'  
  
'He's okay,' said Cage. 'So far nothing too interesting, except for that ice-trick he does.'  
  
'I'd like to see that,' said the bartender.  
  
'Can do. Kabal, I bet you can't get Subzero to do his ice-trick.'  
  
'I bet I can.'  
  
'Show me then.'  
  
Kabal and Cage walked out of the bar, leaving their drinks behind. While Kabal walked over to Subzero, Cage motioned for the bartender who crept out and hid in the bushes with him.  
  
'Hey Sub! Can you show me your ice-trick?'  
  
'Sure.' Kabal obscurely gave Cage the thumbs-up, and he watched as a block of ice formed and was shot off into the distance.  
  
'D'OH!' echoed a faint voice. Cage and the bartender giggled, then went back into the bar.  
  
==STRYKER==  
  
Stryker was now running out of air. He was getting tired of touching Sonya's chest too. He pulled and he pulled, but that wasn't the appropriate thing to do.  
  
So he produced two fingers, and started enjoying himself...  
  
==THE BARTENDER==  
  
'Hey bartender,' said Reptile.  
  
'Hey Reptile,' said bartender.  
  
'The usual.'  
  
'How was your recent fight?' the bartender asked, pouring Reptile some orange juice.  
  
'It was okay I guess,' said Reptile. 'Did you see the fight between Scorpion and Subzero?'  
  
'Nope, sorry.'  
  
'You should've seen it. Subzero won hands down, but the fight was well coreographed. It looked coreographed, anyway. It was almost as if some higher being was telling them how to fight...'  
  
Their heads looked up to the sky - err, bar roof, and eerie music played.  
  
'We really need to get that jukebox fixed,' said the bartender. 'So, tell me about the Subzero/Scorpion fight.'  
  
'...and so Scorpion ended up being frozen,' concluded Reptile.  
  
'Cool. Does he do it often?'  
  
'Nope. Very rare will he do it. Even if you request it, he won't do it.'  
  
'I bet he will,' said the bartender. He turned to Johnny Cage. 'How's life?'  
  
'It's okay. So far nothing too interesting has happened. Except for this tournament of course.'  
  
'Of course. Say, what do you think of that Subzero guy?'  
  
'He's okay. So far nothing too interesting, except for that ice-trick he does.'  
  
'I'd like to see that.'  
  
'Can do. Kabal, I bet you can't get Subzero to do his ice-trick.'  
  
'I bet I can.'  
  
'Show me then.'  
  
Kabal and Cage walked out of the bar, leaving their drinks behind. While Kabal walked over to Subzero, Cage motioned for the bartender who crept out and hid in the bushes with him. Reptile stood in the bar doorway, watching.  
  
'Hey Sub! Can you show me your ice-trick?'  
  
'Sure.' Kabal obscurely gave Cage the thumbs-up, and he watched as a block of ice formed and was shot off into the distance.  
  
'D'OH!' echoed a faint voice. Cage and the bartender giggled, then went back into the bar to find Reptile standing in the doorway.  
  
'I lost the bet,' said Reptile. 'Therefore, you don't go back into this bar.'  
  
'How does that work?'  
  
==STRYKER==  
  
'Great, now my fingers are sticky.'  
  
What a day. He was drowning in Sonya's cleavage, was wet and sticky and there was no way out.  
  
'Hmmph, hmmph.' No, it wasn't Stryker's last desperate attempt at escape, it was Sonya waking up. 'Hmm, nice nap, I wonder where - what the - STRYKER!'  
  
'HMMPH!'  
  
'What are you doing there!' Sonya pressed a button and they deflated.  
  
'Huh - you mean - they're fake?!'  
  
'Yep,' said Sonya. 'As fake as they come. I'm not really *that* lucky.'  
  
'You sneaky little devil,' said Stryker. 'Am I allowed to tell anyone?'  
  
Sonya stopped what she was doing with the bike pump and pulled out a strange metal rod with a red blinking light on the top. 'Afraid not.'  
  
FLASH!  
  
==REPTILE==  
  
'How does that work?'  
  
'It doesn't, Johnny!' said Reptile insanely.  
  
Suddenly the door burst open, and Reptile was knocked to the ground. And out stepped...NIGHTWOLF!  
  
'Here's JOHNNY!'  
  
'Wait, isn't he Johnny?' said the bartender.  
  
'It's a figure of speech,' said Nightwolf. 'You don't watch a lot of Jack Nicholson movies do you.'  
  
'Movies?'  
  
'That reminds me,' said Nightwolf. 'I saw an episode of the Simpsons last night. Bart said "What's a Chachi". It was hell funny!'  
  
Suddenly they all cracked up laughing. Even Reptile, whose head was cracked open, the contents spilling out onto the pavement.  
  
'Come on, a beer on the house just for tonight.' Nightwolf stepped back inside.  
  
'Bartender, you know you can't afford it,' said Kabal.  
  
'Where'd you come from?'  
  
==THE NEXT DAY==  
  
Stryker woke up to find himself lying on the gutter, ragged and broke. 'Oh my god, I got mugged last night!'  
  
Meanwhile, a familiar voice was heard over the speakers.  
  
'WASSUUUUUUUUUUUP!'  
  
'Go away, Goro. Here I am, Shao Kahn, and this is the last fight of the round! Woo-hoo! The last fight is on tonight and you're right when you say that I'm okay and I'm rhyming psychotically because I'm narcotically smoking -'  
  
'Shao Kahn...'  
  
'Sorry Goro, I'm just a little excited.'  
  
'I can see that -'  
  
'Anyway, the last fight for the round is...Smoke!'  
  
'Kahn, put that out before you get high and read out the -'  
  
'That's what it says! Smoke versus Shang Tsung!'  
  
'Okay then, whatever you say...'  
  
'Anyway, Smoke versus Shang Tsung. Today. Be there or be...an irregular shape.'  
  
'Square.'  
  
'I heard that!'  
  
==AT THE BATTLE STADIUM==  
  
'Here we are, on this perfect night. Why are we having the fight on at night as opposed to day? I have no idea. Here's Shao Kahn.'  
  
'Thanks Goro. Tonight, we have the last match of the round. In one corner is Smoke, the grey robot who is always smokin' - I mean, smoke is always emitted from his engine. Something went wrong at the factory, eh.'  
  
The crowd roared with laughter.  
  
'Hey! It's-not-my-fault-I-have-a-birth-defect!'  
  
'Speaking of birth defects, in the other corner we have Shang Tsung. He seems...to be strange. He began when...he was strange. He's here because...he's strange. Seriously, there's nothing to him if you ignore the fact that he's strange.'  
  
'I prefer the term "queer",' Tsung replied. The crowd roared with laughter. Seriously, they roared like a tiger when you catch it by the toe. Then it squeals and you let it go.  
  
'The commentator for this exciting match will be Motaro!'  
  
The crowd cheered as Motaro stepped up to the microphone. 'Nobody ever cheers for me,' said Goro huffily, crossing all five - I mean four of his arms.  
  
'Hello Springfield!' Motaro shouted. The crowd looked at each other in confusion, then cheered. 'Tonight we have the two kings of this tournament -'  
  
'Hey, what about me!' shouted Rayden. The crowd nodded in agreement.  
  
'Hey, what about me!' shouted Subzero. The crowd nodded in agreement.  
  
'Hey, what about me!' shouted Johnny Cage. The crowd laughed their heads off. 'Rejected!' shouted someone in the crowd.  
  
'Okay. Three. Two. One. LET THE MATCH BEGIN!'  
  
Suddenly everything went quiet. You could hear Scorpion screaming 'Let me out of this damn stadium!' but that was it. Silence.  
  
'This exciting match has just come to a start,' said Motaro in his cricket-commentating voice.  
  
Shang Tsung stood there, twiddling his fingers like those people in the westerns. You know, the cowboy movies.  
  
Smoke stood there, trying to imitate Shang Tsung. Of course, this was no good as no one can even come close to the absurdity of Shang Tsung.  
  
'Very exciting,' said Motaro. Shang Tsung turned his head slightly sideways, and Smoke did the same. 'You can just feel the excitement in this match.'  
  
Smoke put his hands behind his back, while Shang Tsung watched in anticipation. 'The excitement is almost too much, it's almost like - like watching a golf tournament on TV.'  
  
Suddenly Smoke pulled out a small long object. For a minute Shang Tsung thought it was a dildo (that's how absurd he is), until it was turned on and a beam of green light appeared. The light stick hummed in Smoke's hands, which made Shang Tsung think it was a vibrator.  
  
Yes, he's that stupid.  
  
Smoke's engine made a hissing-breathing sound every time he breathed in. SSSH-KKHHH, SSSH-KKHHH. 'Shang Tsung, I am your father.'  
  
The crowd gasped, then began to hurl in disgust. 'Sorry,-I-was-programmed-to-do-that. Darth-Vader-wasn't-actually-played-by-a-real-person,-you-know.'  
  
Shang Tsung suddenly morphed into an all-too familiar person. That's right, he turned into Johnny Cage. 'GAH! Wrong morph!' Tsung morphed back, and started concentrating. All of a sudden Luke Skywalker was standing where Shang Tsung had been, and was fighting Smoke.  
  
Tsung meanwhile, was getting a snack from the snack bar. 'Thanks, Goro.' He dashed back into the stadium just in time to see Smoke stab Luke in the chest. Luke disappeared in a pillar of vapour. 'Great,-Shang-Tsung-is-still-alive.'  
  
'Which morph would suit me the most right now,' he wondered. 'I know!'  
  
Suddenly he turned into Sheeva. 'Ooh, this feels funny,' he thought. He jumped at Smoke, beat him several times with the four hands and then stomped on him when he fell to the ground.  
  
'Hey! Copyright infringement!' shouted a crowd-member, who happened to be Sheeva.  
  
'Oh yeah!' said Tsung-Sheeva, 'bring it on!'  
  
Sheeva leapt through the air and landed in front of Tsung-Sheeva. The only way the crowd could tell the difference was that Tsung-Sheeva's eyes were bright fluoro green.  
  
'Imposter,' said Normal Sheeva.  
  
'Freak,' said Tsung-Sheeva.  
  
'Faker,' said Normal Sheeva.  
  
'Ugly,' said Tsung-Sheeva.  
  
'Cross-dresser,' said Normal Sheeva.  
  
Tsung-Sheeva swung a fist, but Normal Sheeva blocked it. She then kicked Tsung-Sheeva in the private area. 'Ow!' he cried. 'I'm sensitive down there!' He then swung all four fists and crushed Normal Sheeva's torso so that green stuff came out of it.  
  
'Oh no!' cried Normal Sheeva. 'You killed me!' Suddenly she fell to the ground, and her chest deflated.  
  
'Hehe, they were filled with air,' Tsung-Sheeva chuckled to himself. He then looked down and saw his chest. 'Hey! I have air-filled thingies as well!'  
  
'Cross-dresser,' Normal Sheeva managed to say, before the medics took her away to repair her.  
  
Shang Tsung changed to normal, and dusted himself off. 'Well that felt eerily comfortable,' he said to himself. He then proceeded to stand around, staring at the sky and doing nothing. He didn't notice a smoke-emitting robot rising behind him. Suddenly Tsung was being choked from behind!  
  
Smoke strangled Tsung so hard that he began to bubble and froth. He morphed into Nightwolf, then back to Shang Tsung, then into Subzero, then Stryker, then Sektor (the red one), then Noob Saibot (a black Subzero), then Reptile, then Sonya, then a freaky demented creature (a.k.a. Sheeva), then back to his normal self. His skin turned purple, then green, then regurgitation-colour, until he finally grabbed Smoke and threw him over his shoulder.  
  
'That felt eerily uncomfortable.'  
  
Suddenly the crowd began throwing their food and drinks and popcorn and fridges at Tsung. 'Boo! Leave the robot alone, he's only a robot!'  
  
Smoke stood up and shook away any oil that had splattered out of his exoskeleton. He looked over at Shang Tsung, and began walking slow.  
  
'I can't be killed by a robot!' said Tsung suddenly. 'No!' He waited a few minutes until Smoke was nearer (he wasn't walking very fast). 'You don't have to do this! You don't want to do this!'  
  
'Desire-is-irrelevant,' said Smoke. 'I-am-a-MACHINE.'  
  
'I know that,' said Tsung, sticking his tongue out. Smoke shot out a funny metal pole out of his chest, and it penetrated Shang Tsung's. He looked down at his wound, then back at Smoke. And without another word, he fell backwards and got impaled even further, his right arm becoming disembowled.  
  
Kahn stepped up to the microphone, ready to announce. When suddenly, Tsung grabbed the pole, and pulled it out with his one hand. Then he stood up, and approached Smoke.  
  
'Hey-what-are-you-doing -' Smoke backed into one of those small halls that football-teams come out of at the start of a game. Tsung picked him up and slammed him into the wall; Smoke retaliated by slamming Tsung into the wall, and this went turn-based for a while. Tsung slammed Smoke into the wall and suddenly Smoke's back was now his front.  
  
Smoke grabbed a hanging metal bar, and while Tsung was still against the wall panting, rammed it into his chest. He pulled it back, and as Tsung moved down slightly it slammed into his shoulder. Tsung slumped even more, and the ramming piece of steel partly crushed his head slightly, peeling back the skin to reveal a metal skull.  
  
Smoke stopped, and Tsung stood up. He picked up a shotgun that happened to be lying around, and fired it at Smoke. It knocked him back a step. Tsung fired again, and again, and again. Each time Tsung fired Smoke was pushed back a step. Until they were in the middle of the stadium, where a pool of lava had risen.  
  
Tsung picked up another gun that was lying around, shot it into Smoke and it penetrated his armour. It exploded inside him, and he ended up severely demented and looking like a Picasso painting. Shang Tsung grabbed him and heaved him into the vat of lava. The crowd gasped; he had just killed one of the tournament fighters. In fact, he was now just a bubbling carcass, being eaten away by the lava.  
  
'He'll be back.'  
  
'SHANG TSUNG IS THE WINNER!'  
  
==================SCORECARDS==================================  
  
Smoke  
  
0-2  
  
Shang Tsung  
  
1-1  
  
==============================================================  
  
NEXT EPISODE - PREVIEW COMING SOON  
  
Technical difficulties...for now listen to German rock! *Du hast mich gefragt, du hast mich gefragt, du hast mich gefragt und ich hab nichts gesagt* 


	12. Celebrate Bad Times

====MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2====  
  
/Tournament Record ReMeistered/  
  
[Begin Tournament Entry #12]  
  
/Celebrate Bad Times/  
  
Nightwolf, Scorpion, Subzero, Reptile, Stryker, Sheeva, Sonya, Sindel, Shang Tsung, Kabal, Smoke, Johnny Cage, Rayden, and Kano were all sleeping in their beds while Shao Kahn, Goro and Motaro were all busily working. After all, they needed to pay off the cost of the tournament somehow.  
  
Sonya was first to wake up. 'Hey, today's the end of round one. I just remembered that.'  
  
==SHANG TSUNG==  
  
'Man, yesterday's fight was hell. I'm so sore...'  
  
'Hey! What the hell are you doing in my bed!'  
  
==REPTILE==  
  
'Hey! What the hell is licking me in the face!' Reptile opened his eyes to see his lizard. 'Oh, it's just you.' He patted it for a few moments. 'Now piss off, I'm trying to sleep!'  
  
==SHEEVA==  
  
'Man, yesterday's fight was hell. I'm so sore...'  
  
Sheeva looked at the bruises she had accumulated. Suddenly a voice next to her said, 'Hey! What the hell are you doing in my bed!'  
  
Sheeva looked over to her left to see...  
  
==SUBZERO==  
  
'Hey! What the hell are you doing in my bed!'  
  
Sheeva looked over at Subzero. 'Aargh!' she cried, jumping out of his bed. 'How the hell did I get here!'  
  
==SCORPION==  
  
'Ah, such a nice morning,' said Scorpion. 'Hang on, what's Shang Tsung doing looking in Subzero's window?'  
  
Scorpion ran over to see Shang Tsung chuckling to himself. 'Hey! What the hell are you doing in my bed!' came the voice of Subzero.  
  
'Hey! What the hell are you doing watching Subzero!' said Scorpion. 'And why the hell is Sheeva in his bedroom!'  
  
'How the hell did I get here!' said Sheeva. She looked out the window, and saw Tsung and Scorpion. 'It's him! And his new-found lackey!' she roared. Subzero looked out the window to see Tsung running away, followed by Scorpion.  
  
==SINDEL==  
  
'Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing!' said Sindel as Scorpion and Shang Tsung ran past, nearly knocking the groceries out of her hands.  
  
'Sorry!' Scorpion cried out, turning back to look at her. His eyes widened and he ran faster, and Sindel stepped out of the way just in time to see a horrible blur, called Sheeva, run past.  
  
'Something's happened,' Sindel deduced. She walked to her home, dropped the grocery bags and reached into her purse for the house keys to find they had disappeared. 'Shit! How the hell am I supposed to get into my house!'  
  
'I can help,' said a mysterious voice...  
  
==KABAL==  
  
'Thanks for shopping at the supermarket!' said Kabal. 'Wow, who would've thought working at a supermarket could be so boring. Oh, hello Johnny.'  
  
'Hey Kabal,' said Cage. 'Just these three items.'  
  
'Gel, red liquorice and a pack of tampons?'  
  
'Tampons? I thought these were tadpoles!' He threw the box behind him, knocking out an old lady in the process.  
  
'Sorry,' said Kabal, 'but you need to get another item. I've already told the check-out computer that you were buying three items.'  
  
'You wouldn't happen to have...shampoo anywhere, would you?'  
  
'Yep, aisle seven.' Kabal stood there as Cage went to get his shampoo, when he noticed something shiny on the counter. 'Hey, aren't those Sindel's keys?'  
  
'Don't ask me, I've got amnesia,' said an old lady.  
  
Kabal watched as Cage hopped back in line, and two customers later, he handed over the shampoo. 'Here you are,' he said grinning widely.  
  
'What's got you so happy?' Kabal asked. 'You aren't on Prozac, are you?'  
  
'No,' said Cage. 'It's just...nothing.'  
  
'No, tell me, I'm curious,' said Kabal.  
  
'It's just the name of the shampoo,' said Cage.  
  
'What, Pantene Pro-V?'  
  
'No,' said Cage. 'Shampoo. Sham-POO.' He sniggered.  
  
'You're so immature,' said Kabal, beeping the shampoo bottle and handing the bag of three items to him. 'Oh, and you know Sindel?'  
  
'I'm in the tournament, remember,' said Cage. 'Just thought I'd remind you, I like reminding people of things.'  
  
'Well,' said Kabal, 'could you take this to her? It's her keys.' He handed the keys to Cage.  
  
'Sure thing, I'll deliver them right away.'  
  
==SONYA==  
  
Sonya sat in bed, watching the street outside from her big bedroom window. Sindel lived just across the street, and she watched as Sindel arrived home, put down her seven bags of groceries and pulled out her purse for some reason.  
  
'Shit! How the hell am I supposed to get into my house!' Sonya heard Sindel yell. She laughed, mainly because Sindel was in distress.  
  
Sonya sat up, leaning forward, when she saw Johnny Cage run up to Sindel. 'What the hell's he doing,' Sonya wondered. She watched as Cage handed some keys to Sindel, and Sindel opened the door. Then came the unexpected.  
  
It was so unexpected Sonya leapt out of bed.  
  
Cage lifted Sindel up and took her inside, and they began kissing madly in the kitchen.  
  
'The cheating bastard - oh wait, I hate Johnny don't I. Oh well.'  
  
==STORE ASSISTANT==  
  
'Sir, can I help you with anything?'  
  
Cage stood, browsing at the confectionary. At first he didn't see the store assistant, but when he heard her voice he realised she was there. 'Yeah, I'm looking for shampoo.'  
  
'It's in aisle seven,' she told him.  
  
'Aren't I in aisle seven?'  
  
'No, this is aisle eight.'  
  
Cage laughed sheepishly. 'I always get seven and eight mixed up.' The store assistant led him to aisle seven, where he instantly saw the shampoo. 'Thanks,' Cage said.  
  
'Do you know which brand you want to get?'  
  
'Brand? What the hell's a brand?'  
  
'It's a different type of shampoo,' she explained.  
  
'You mean like Coke and Vanilla Coke?'  
  
'No, I mean like Coke and Pepsi.'  
  
'But Coke and Pepsi are the same thing!'  
  
'That's the point of brands. They're exactly the same thing, only with different names.'  
  
'That's pretty stupid,' said Cage. 'Oh, hi Noob Saibot. Hi Ermac. Hi Reptile.'  
  
'So, which shampoo do you want?'  
  
'I think I'll take...this one,' said Cage. He grabbed a bottle, looked at its name and started laughing.  
  
'What's so funny?'  
  
Cage took several minutes to answer, he was laughing so hard. 'The name of this brand. Pantene Pov.'  
  
'That's Pantene Pro-V, you've got your thumb over the R.'  
  
'Oh.'  
  
==JOHNNY CAGE==  
  
'Shit! How the hell am I supposed to get into my house!'  
  
'I can help,' said Cage, who was puffed out from running so hard. After all, his house was two blocks away from Sindel's.  
  
He produced the keys and handed them to Sindel, who opened the door. 'Thank you so much, I - eww.'  
  
Cage looked to the floor and saw that the toilet had obviously flooded (either that or they had been visited by Shang Tsung recently). 'I know how to get you through this junk safely.'  
  
Cage lifted up Sindel, and took her into the kitchen. 'Oh crap,' said Sindel, 'Sonya from across the road is watching me. Make her jealous by kissing me.'  
  
'Why the hell -'  
  
'Just do it!'  
  
==KANO==  
  
Kano's phone began to ring so loudly his eye-piece went wonky. Of course, that might've been because a bartender was shooting at him. 'Hello?'  
  
'It's me, Sonya,' said Sonya's voice.  
  
'What's wrong?'  
  
'I just saw Johnny Cage kissing Sindel!'  
  
'Really...and this is interesting, how?'  
  
Sonya growled. 'Never mind.'  
  
Kano sighed as Sonya hung up. 'I remember a time when I didn't have to get her angry to hear that growl...'  
  
==NIGHTWOLF==  
  
'Ka-mae-ha-mae-HA!' Nightwolf shot a ball of green energy at the trees in the forest. It hit one, which knocked down another one, which knocked down another one. The whole forest suffered from the domino effect. 'Damn that domino effect, damn you to hell!'  
  
Suddenly a noise made Nightwolf look behind him. Two figures were running towards what was the forest, looks of sheer panic on their faces. Either that or looks of sheer joy from winning the lottery. Now what are the odds?  
  
'Nightwolf! Where did the forest go?' screamed one of the figures, who turned out to be Scorpion.  
  
'I, uh, the people who wanted to cut it down...cut it down.'  
  
'In a perfect line, as if the trees had fallen on top of each other consecutively?' said the other figure as they reached him and stopped running. This one was Shang Tsung.  
  
'Uh...yeah, they're developing new techniques and...stuff.'  
  
'Oh well,' said Scorpion. 'Do you think she's still chasing us?'  
  
'Doesn't look like,' said Tsung. 'Let's go back home.'  
  
'But it's a lovely morning,' said Nightwolf. 'Why spend your days inside?'  
  
'Because we don't wanna turn out like you,' said Tsung evilly.  
  
'No offence,' Scorpion added.  
  
==THAT NIGHT==  
  
Nightwolf, Scorpion, Subzero, Reptile, Stryker, Sheeva, Sonya, Sindel, Shang Tsung, Kabal, Smoke, Johnny Cage, Rayden, and Kano were all standing in the celebration stadium, which had been fixed since Sheeva's romp-omp-a-stomp-hissy-fit.  
  
'Attention!' said the person on the stage. It was Goro. 'Shao Kahn will be giving a speech soon!'  
  
Shao Kahn stepped up on stage and snatched the microphone from him. 'Hear ye! Hear ye! Can everybody hear me? Okay, I've got a big speech to start.' He looked to Goro.  
  
'Credits.'  
  
'I wrote this speech, and Goro is the person who got the team of builders to build this place, and you are all here.'  
  
'Acknowledgements.'  
  
'I want to acknowledge me, who wrote this speech, Goro, who got the team of builders to build this place, and you are all here in this tournament.'  
  
'Accolades.'  
  
'I want to acknowledge me, for writing this speech -'  
  
'AARGH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!' Goro screamed. 'JUST GET ON WITH THE SPEECH! SKIP ALL THAT STUFF! RAAR!' Goro grabbed a nearby vine and swung off into the distance.  
  
'That was unexpected,' said Shao Kahn. 'Anyway, on with the speech. You all know that there are going to be several rounds to this game, right?'  
  
The crowd (which happened to be the fourteen fighters) nodded. 'Well, the whole point of the tournament is to have a winner. For there to be a winner, there needs to be several losers. Now I just want to point out that you're *all* winners. Err, except for the losers.  
  
'We have collected data on each player, which will be put on their permanent record for the tournament. There are three categories: top fighters, average fighters and bad fighters. I shall now read out each fighter's name, their score and their rank:  
  
'Sindel: two wins no losses, top fighter.  
  
'Sonya: one win, one loss. Average fighter.  
  
'Sheeva: one win, one loss. Average fighter.  
  
'Stryker: no wins two losses, bad fighter.'  
  
'I wish I had a grenade right now...'  
  
'Johnny Cage: one win, one loss. Average fighter.  
  
'Kabal: one win, one loss. Average fighter.  
  
'Rayden: two wins no losses, top fighter.  
  
'Shang Tsung: one win, one loss. Average fighter.  
  
'Smoke: no wins two losses, bad fighter.'  
  
'Oh,-am-I-really-that-bad?'  
  
'Subzero: two wins no losses, top fighter.  
  
'Scorpion: one win, one loss. Average fighter.  
  
'Reptile: two wins no losses, top fighter.  
  
'Kano: no wins two losses, bad fighter.'  
  
'Does my eye-lense decieve me?'  
  
'Afraid so, spock,' joked Sonya.  
  
'Just because *you're* an average fighter...'  
  
'And Nightwolf: no wins two losses, bad fighter.'  
  
'Why are people so unkind?'  
  
'That is all,' said Shao Kahn. 'But that is not all of my speech. The top fighters automatically go into the next round.'  
  
There were a few sighs in the crowd.  
  
'The average fighters also automatically go into the next round.'  
  
Practically the whole crowd sighed.  
  
'The bad fighters...will have to fight in an elimination match. The losers are eliminated.'  
  
The whole crowd cheered, except for the bad fighters.  
  
'The two elimination rounds, held tomorrow and the next day respectively, are: Stryker versus Nightwolf, and Smoke versus Kano.'  
  
'Hopefully Kano'll leave,' Sonya muttered.  
  
'I heard that!'  
  
'Why would you care, Nightwolf?'  
  
'I don't know...I just don't know...'  
  
=======================================================================  
  
NEXT EPISODE: The elimination rounds...of DOOM 


	13. Gunslinger vs Arrowslinger

MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2 

/Tournament Record ReStoned/  
Begin Tournament Entry #13

/Gunslinger vs Arrowslinger/

For Subzero, Sindel, Sonya, Sheeva, Johnny Cage, Kabal, Rayden, Shang Tsung, Scorpion and Reptile it was just another free day in between fights. But for Stryker and Nightwolf, it was a very nervous time.

Kano and Smoke were nervous too, but they come in later.

'When is the fight?' Stryker wondered. 'I wish someone would tell us. I don't want to get eliminated because of misinformation.'

'Ahem,' said a voice on the speaker. 'Today is the fight between Stryker and Nightwolf. It will take place at three o'clock.'

'Three o'clock!' shouted Stryker. 'I'm busy then!'

'Err, two o'clock,' replied Shao Kahn (the voice on the speaker). 'Come one, come all and see who will win, and carry on to the next round, and who will lose and become shamefully eliminated.' A few moments of silence before, 'Hey, what the!'

'That was strange,' said Stryker. 'I thought it was Rove who said "What the".'

--MOTARO--

Motaro watched as Sindel walked around the studio that they announced the fights from.

'Why are you here?'

'Shao Kahn invited me here to have a look around,' replied Motaro. 'What about you?'

'I'm here to do research for some council thing,' said Sindel.

'I see...' Motaro stepped on a switch below the studio control panel, and suddenly there was a blinding flash. Sindel was knocked out cold.

'Ehehe,' said Motaro as he dragged Sindel into the room where Goro was typing away at a computer. 'Can you look after the health inspector until we're finished?'

'Sure,' said Goro, and Motaro left, shutting the door behind him and locking it. 'Ehehe.'

Just then Shao Kahn walked in. 'Where's Sindel?'

'In there,' said Motaro, pointing to the locked door.

Shao Kahn looked from the door to Motaro. Then back to the door. Then to Motaro again. There was a moment of silence before he said, 'Good. Now let's get busy.'

'Err, that didn't sound right.'

'I know.'

--LATER--

'Ahem,' said Shao Kahn into the mic. 'Today is the fight between Stryker and Nightwolf. It will take place at three o'clock.'

'It's at two o'clock, sir,' Motaro whispered.

'Err, two o'clock,' replied Shao Kahn. 'Come one, come all and see who will win, and carry on to the next round, and who will lose and become shamefully eliminated.' Suddenly there was a scream from inside the room of Goro. 'Hey, what the!' said Shao Kahn, before standing up and approaching the door.

Motaro stood up and walked out, bumping into Sonya while he was at it. 'What the hell's she doing here at this time of morning. That reminds me, I need to get some stuff.'

Motaro ran to the mall, only to find it was shut. 'Dammit, I need my stuff!'

'I can get you some stuff...' said a shifty voice.

--SONYA--

Sonya woke up that morning with a bad feeling. She wasn't sure whether it was from the mattress or something bad was gonna happen. After checking the bed she decided it was the latter.

'I'd better see the local psychic, Nightwolf,' she decided.

Sonya ran to Nightwolf's hut, passing Kano in the process. Not knowing that the hut was made of sticks and grass, she knocked on the front door. The whole thing came down on top of Nightwolf.

'Thank you, thank you a lot,' he said sarcastically, climbing out of the ruins of his hut. 'Now I have to move back into that crappy house I have.'

'Uh, excuse me -'

'What do you want?'

'I have a bad feeling about something,' said Sonya. 'I woke up with a bad feeling.'

'Are you sure it wasn't just the mattress of your bed?'

'No, it's something else. Could you look into the near future for any possible disasters?'

Nightwolf looked around at the sticks and grass that surrounded him. 'I think you've already caused one.'

--KANO--

Kano was awoken by the sound of his phone ringing. He picked it up, as you would do, and said, 'Hello?'

'Hello Kano,' said a bland, evil voice on the other end. 'I have several snipers set in locations around your house. If you fail to comply to our orders, you will be shot.'

'Orders? Shot? What are you talking about?'

'We have a job for you Kano,' said the voice. 'Wait, and you will recieve further instructions.'

'God dammit,' said Kano. 'I hope this isn't like the time they promised free candy to whoever poked their eye out.'

Kano waited. And waited. And waited. Finally he lost patience. 'This is taking too long. I'm leaving.'

As soon as Kano's front door opened, several bullets came flying in his direction. He slammed the door shut and examined the bulletholes in his floor. 'Okay, maybe I can wait.'

After ten more minutes of waiting, Kano went into his lounge, turning on the TV to watch Jerry Springer.

--ONE HOUR LATER--

'Wow, that was a well-written piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to wretch,' Kano stated. Having run out of ideas to waste time, he approached the front door. Then he remembered the snipers, and decided having some fun in his bedroom with his pants down was the best thing to do. Thankfully his phone rang before then (the neighbours were especially relieved when they heard, as Kano kept his bedroom curtains wide open).

'Hello?' said Kano once he had picked up the phone.

'Guess who.'

'I don't have time to guess! Just tell me!'

'Aw, ruin our fun why don't you. Right now I'm looking through your window, Kano. I can see you. I can see them too. They're everywhere. They're around you. They're around me. They're in the stadium. They're watching you. There's no escape from them. They do not choose who they want to follow, they simply follow.'

At this point Kano was so freaked out that he had locked all his doors, shut all windows and closed the curtains for the first time in ages. (The neighbours could have visitors again!) He almost didn't want the answer to his next question. 'Who are they?'

The house seemed to creak with hidden poltergeists, as the person on the other phone breathed in and out deeply for effect..'People.'

--NIGHTWOLF--

'Ah, what a beautiful morning,' said Nightwolf as he stepped out of his hut, which was made out of sticks and grass.

'Shut up you psycho! It's three in the morning and we're trying to sleep!'

'Well SORRY Johnny Cage,' shouted Nightwolf. 'Why don't you just make another B-grade movie, take your anger out on someone else for a change.'

'How about I get my shotgun and release some anger right now, how'd you feel about that?'

'Why don't you pick on someone your own size, like Kano,' Nightwolf remarked. With that he walked over to the nearby forest and began hunting for animals. He had forgotten his bow and arrows, but he reasoned no wild animals would come out at three in the morning. The time seemed to fly by, as he soon found it was five minutes past three. 'Looks like it's time to go back home.' Nightwolf walked back home and fell asleep.

He began having a wonderful dream. He was in a field of grass, running freely, no one around. There was no one to tell him what to do, no stupid tournament, just himself and all the time in the world to relax. He lay down in the grass, feeling nature embrace him, when suddenly the sky began collapsing. He only had enough time to scream and shut his eyes before the clouds smacked him in the face, and he opened his eyes to find his hut in ruins.

'Thank you, thank you a lot,' he said sarcastically, climbing out of the ruins of his hut. 'Now I have to move back into that crappy house I have.'

'Uh, excuse me -'

'What do you want?'

'I have a bad feeling about something,' said Sonya. 'I woke up with a bad feeling.'

Nightwolf snickered as he thought up something dirty he could say. In the end he settled for the next best thing. 'Are you sure it wasn't just the mattress of your bed?'

'No, it's something else. Could you look into the near future for any possible disasters?'

Nightwolf looked around at the sticks and grass that surrounded him. 'I think you've already caused one.'

Sonya stood there for a while, a look of confusion on her face. 'I don't get it.'

Nightwolf sighed. 'You destroyed my hut. My hut being destroyed was the disaster.'

There was silence, as Sonya calculated what he had just said. 'I still don't get it.'

'Look, do you want me to help you or not?'

'Yeah,' said Sonya. 'So?'

'So what?'

'Can you help me look into the near future for any possible disasters?'

'What do I look like, a mind-reader?'

Sonya thought of something dirty to say, but decided not to say it.

'Hey! I heard that!'

--A WHILE LATER--

'So, how's it going?' asked Sonya.

'Nope. Nothing's gonna happen today,' said Nightwolf.

'Oh well. You sure?'

'Yes, I'm sure,' said Nightwolf. 'I - Wait! I'm getting something. I'm getting an S, a name that starts with S or has an S sound. Sam, Stryker, Smoke -'

'Shao Kahn!' gasped Sonya.

'Yes! Yes, that's it. Now he's coming across to me as if there's some sort of knife, or weapon. I'm getting a stabbing motion -'

'Oy! Be quiet!' said Sonya. 'I figured it out now.'

'Okay then,' said Nightwolf, returning from his trance. 'Go! Find Shao Kahn, and save his life! Or something.'

Sonya took off, and was never to be seen again. For the rest of that minute.

Nightwolf walked to the house he had been given when the tournament started, angry that he couldn't live out in the wilderness anymore. 'God dammit! Why does Sonya have to be such a bimbo?'

'Because it was the way she was born,' said a voice at the door. 'And I'm afraid I need your help Nightwolf.'

--SCORPION--

Scorpion woke up that morning to find everything was exactly the same as it always had been. He went outside, and walked to the mall knowing everything was exactly the same. But Scorpion had a devious plan. A devious plan that was so devious that only Scorpion could pull it off.

He stood outside the mall, knowing everything was exactly the same. He knew that it would open in five minutes, and that the people there were very gullible. Scorpion had a gullible plan, a plan so gullible that only non-gullible people could pull it off. Thankfully Scorpion knew his liars from his cheaters.

He closed his eyes as the doors opened. 'Hello sir?' said the voice of the unlucky teenager who was in charge of the store for the first hour or so. 'Sir, are you awake? Sir, a spider's climbing up your leg.'

Scorpion's eyes flew open (if eyes can do that) and he started kicking and screaming. 'Get it off me! Get it off me! I got bitten by a spider once and I had to get anal probed!'

'Calm down,' said the teenager. 'It was only a daddy long-legs.'

'What the hell's a daddy long-legs?'

'Hey,' said the teenager, 'you're one of those homeless people!'

Scorpion's plan was working.

--TWO MINUTES LATER--

Now that Scorpion had established himself as a homeless person (and unintentionally, too) the second part of the plan would be put into play.

Scorpion walked into the store, browsing the various buyables. He stuffed some in his shirt pocket, his pant pockets, up his sleeves, down his pants, under his hat (he went for the whole Mexican hobo look).

Once he was finished, he put the last part of his plan into action. He ran out of the store as fast as he could. Then he remembered that the last part of the plan wasn't running out of the store, so he threw all the stolen goods into a backpack he found lying around, and walked back into the store.

Then he realised he wasn't supposed to walk back into the store, and walked out again. 'I need a payphone...' Scorpion said to himself.

--A WHILE LATER--

Scorpion hung up and left the payphone. 'I hope that loser gets what's coming to him,' Scorpion said to himself, and as he was walking past the supermarket on his way to get that backpack he found Motaro looking in the window of the closed supermarket.

'Dammit, I need my stuff!' Motaro whined.

'I can get you some stuff...' Scorpion muttered in what he thought was an utterly evil voice. Motaro jumped at this, and then he realised it just made him sound like a paedophile.

'What sort of stuff?' Motaro asked.

'All sorts of stuff,' Scorpion replied. 'I just need to find the backpack I put the stash in.'

'Stash?'

'It's what I call my...goods that I sell,' Scorpion stated, trying to cover up the fact that the goods were stolen. 'They aren't stolen at all, I bought them with my own money. Definitely not shoplifted by me.'

'Okay then...' said Motaro cautiously.

--ABOUT TEN SECONDS LATER--

'What the f-'

--HALF A SECOND LATER--

'-Where is the backpack?'

'I don't see a backpack,' said Motaro.

'No duh,' Scorpion replied. 'It was supposed to be here!'

'Well then I can see only one way out of this,' Motaro decided. 'I'll have to kill you.'

--SINDEL--

'This was a great idea of yours,' Sindel said to herself. 'I'm in the commentary building and they don't even know it.'

'Why are you here?' Sindel asked.

'Shao Kahn invited me here to have a look around,' said Motaro. 'What about you?'

'I'm here to do some...research...for some...council thing,' said Sindel. Hopefully Motaro wouldn't notice her pauses.

'I see...' Suddenly there was a flash of light and Sindel was unconscious.

--...--

She awoke in almost pitch black darkness. She was in a dark room, with only Goro and the light of his computer. 'Ah, I see you've woken up,' said Goro.

'What's it to you?' said Sindel.

'That's it, I've had enough of your dirty talk,' Goro stated. He stood up, walked over to Sindel and grabbed her with his four arms. Before she knew what she was doing she was on her knees and he had his pants down.

When she saw what was in his pants, Sindel screamed. 'Hey, what the -' came Shao Kahn's voice, and he burst in. 'Goro! What have I told you about this kind of stuff?'

'That it's not rape if she agrees to it?'

'Get out,' Shao Kahn said to Sindel. 'I'll get your mouth washed out or something. Goro, pull your pants up.'

'Jeez, you have to embarrass me in front of everyone in the office.'

'You shouldn't have tried to make the health inspector inspect you, if you know what I mean.'

This call was met by fits of laughter.

'I don't get it,' said Goro.

--JOHNNY CAGE--

Johnny was trying to sleep when the voices in his head started screaming.

'Shut up you psycho! It's three in the morning and we're trying to sleep!' he shouted.

'Well SORRY Johnny Cage,' shouted someone from outside. 'Why don't you just make another B-grade movie, take your anger out on someone else for a change.'

'How about I get my shotgun and release some anger right now, how'd you feel about that?'

'Why don't you pick on someone your own size, like Kano,' the guy outside remarked.

'Say, that's not a bad idea,' said Johnny. He spent the next four hours planning Kano's imminent demise.

--FOUR HOURS LATER--

'Now for the final part of my plan,' said Johnny, trying to laugh evilly and failing. 'Me actually doing stuff.' He cleared his throat, practised his evilest voice, then picked up the phone and dialed Kano.

'Hello?'

'Hello Kano. I have several snipers set in locations around your house. If you fail to comply to our orders, you will be shot.'

'Orders? Shot? What are you talking about?'

'We have a job for you Kano. Wait, and you will recieve further instructions.'

Then he hung up. 'Ahahaha, this is the best prank call ever.'

--ONE HOUR LATER--

Johnny picked up the phone, and again called Kano.

'Hello?' said Kano over the phone.

'Guess who.'

'I don't have time to guess! Just tell me!'

'Aw, ruin our fun why don't you. Right now I'm looking through your window, Kano...'

--STRYKER--

Stryker was getting himself ready for the fight when he remembered he needed some breathmints. 'Time to go to the store,' he said to no one in particular. (He was crazy like that.)

As he walked past Kano's house he noticed something that wasn't quite right. He couldn't quite put his finger on what it was, but he knew it was there.

He went to the store, and was so distracted he accidentally bought a chocolate bar and pack of condoms. He knew something was wrong, but he couldn't figure it out.

He was walking through the door to his house when he realised. 'Why the hell are there several snipers outside Kano's house?'

He walked back to Kano's house and sure enough they were there. He thought of walking up to them and asking questions, but they looked like they'd had a bad week so he decided not to.

'I think I should tell someone about this,' Stryker muttered.

--FIVE MINUTES LATER--

'I'm sorry, I can't let you in,' said the guard.

'I don't think you understand the importance of the situation,' Stryker said, a tinge of agitation in his voice.

'No one's allowed in this building unless they're properly authorised,' the guard stated.

'But this involves the welfare of someone living in this very resort!'

'Not my problem. No pass, no entry.'

At that moment Sindel walked up to the door of the studio and main HQ. 'What are you doing here?' the guard snarled.

'I'm...the newest member of the commentary team. Shao Khan said I was to come to HQ immediately and...receive further instructions.'

'Very well,' said the guard, who opened the door and let her in.

'What!' Stryker hollered. 'You didn't even ask to see her entry pass!'

'Oh well, you can't win every time,' the guard replied.

'That doesn't even make sense!' Stryker exclaimed. 'And besides, she obviously made up that commentary stuff on the spot. What if I said to you that I was invited personally by Shao Khan to take a look at something of his?'

'Don't be silly, Shao Khan never invites anyone into HQ.'

Stryker swore in frustration.

'Don't call me that!' growled the guard.

'I wasn't talking to you, asshole.'

'That's it, you're gonna die!' The guard then proceeded to whack Stryker with a nearby stick.

'Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay okay, I'm leaving!'

Stryker walked off, slightly bruised and very annoyed. 'Well, if I can't get the main man who runs the tournament to help me, I'll just have to get the most powerful person fighting in the tournament!'

Unfortunately Subzero wasn't home.

He was walking when he came across Nightwolf walking into his house. 'Why does Sonya have to be such a bimbo?'

'Because it was the way she was born,' said Stryker. 'And I'm afraid I need your help Nightwolf.'

'Sure,' Nightwolf replied. 'I _was_ going to go back inside and have a nice bath followed by cereal, but I'll give that up just for you.' Nightwolf hoped Stryker would pick up on the sarcastic tone of his voice.

'Great, 'cause I really need your help.' He hadn't.

Nightwolf sighed. 'Well, tell me the problem.'

'There are snipers outside Kano's house, I think they're terrorists of some kind.'

'So? Who cares if Kano dies.'

'But! They might go after the other tournament members once they've got Kano, and by then we won't know where they are or what they're doing. They could end up planting carbombs and we'd never know.'

'Apart from the fact there are no cars here.'

Stryker knew Nightwolf wasn't about to help out. 'Okay then, go inside and have your fancy bath and fancy Froot Loops. Oh, by the way, do you know who terrorists hate the most?'

'Who,' said Nightwolf nonchalantly.

'Indians.'

--TWO MINUTES LATER--

After Nightwolf had stopped hyperventilating and had calmed himself, he said 'Okay. I'll help you out. What do you need me to do?'

'Well, as you know we need to stop these terrorists. I need you to help me...find Subzero.'

--SUBZERO--

'Excuse me, where do you keep the ice?'

'In the freezer section,' said the guy packing the shelves at the convenience store. 'Why do you need ice? More importantly, why would you need ice?'

'Fridge broke,' Subzero replied.

The guy packing the shelves rolled his eyes, and went back to his lonely and unfulfilling job of packing the shelves.

Subzero grabbed a bag of ice from the freezer section, a chocolate bar and a pack of condoms, and went up to the counter. _What a nut_, thought the guy at the counter, who couldn't help but stare condescendingly at Subzero. _He can make ice come out of his hands at will but he has to resort to buying it from this crappy store_.

Subzero saw the guy staring at him in a funny way, but pretended he hadn't noticed. 'Must've been the condoms,' he said to himself.

'Eh?' said Nightwolf.

'What? Oh, nothing,' said Subzero, who had jumped when Nightwolf and Stryker appeared out of nowhere.

'You're here!' said Stryker. 'We've been looking for you.'

'But - I didn't do - How'd you find out about those payments!' He was starting to get flustered.

'Eh?' said Nightwolf.

'Calm down!' said Stryker. 'We need your help. There are some terrorists in this here resort.'

'Really?' Subzero queried. 'Where are they?'

'Outside Kano's house.'

'Who cares if Kano dies?'

Stryker sighed, and then went into a long explanation about how if they didn't stop the terrorists now carbombs would go off and there would be no more ice in the convenience store.

'Okay then, I'll help out,' said Subzero. 'But only if you guys let me take this stuff home first.'

Stryker and Nightwolf looked down at the stuff he'd bought in the same way that the guy at the checkout, and as he walked home he thought about it and realised 'They were probably staring at me because I have ice, despite the fact that I can make ice come out of my hands at will. Oh well, won't be needing this.' He threw the bag of ice away, and when he heard the sound it made he was pretty sure he'd hit someone.

'Did you see what he had?' Stryker uttered. 'Condoms!'

--1.51666666 MINUTES LATER--

'I'm back,' said Subzero.

'Okay, let's get jiggy wit it,' remarked Stryker, before sniggering at the comment.

Subzero had no idea what he was on about, but liked the sound of it. 'Lead the way.'

Stryker took Nightwolf and Subzero to Kano's house, where they saw the terrorists first-hand. 'I know what to do,' said Subzero. 'You guys can go home, I'll take care of this.'

'But we wanna -'

'Just go!'

'Okay, okay, don't blow a fuse.'

--SHAO KHAN--

'Come one, come all and see who will win, and carry on to the next round, and who will lose and become shamefully eliminated.' Suddenly there was a scream. 'Hey, what the!' said Shao Kahn, before standing up and bursting into Goro's room. 'Goro! What have I told you about this kind of stuff?'

'That it's not rape if she agrees to it?'

'Get out,' Shao Kahn said to Sindel. 'I'll get your mouth washed out or something. Goro, pull your pants up.'

'Jeez, you have to embarrass me in front of everyone in the office.'

'You shouldn't have tried to make the health inspector inspect you, if you know what I mean.' He then turned around and was about to go check up on Sindel when he bumped into Sonya. 'How'd you get past security?' Shao Khan boomed.

'I told the guard I was a famous dog trainer.'

'That doesn't make sense.'

'I know.' The two stood there for a while. 'Oh! Almost forgot. I've got to warn you.'

'Warn me?' said Shao Khan. 'I'm invincible!'

'Really?'

'Yes! Try stabbing me with that knife.'

Sonya was hesitant, but she finally picked up the knife that was lying around (Shao Khan's good luck charm), and after hesitating some more, stabbed him in the side.

Shao Khan fell to the floor, blood pouring out of him.

'Oh no! I just made the prediction come true!' Sonya started to cry, when Shao Khan sat up. 'But - I thought you were dead!'

'I was, but everyone knows video game bosses have several lives.'

'So you're not in danger after all,' said Sonya with a sigh. 'That's good. Oh, and you might wanna get someone to clean that blood up. The stains are really hard to get out.'

Meanwhile, Sam got stabbed horrifically several times.

--LATER THAT DAY--

'We come to you live from Mortal Kombat Stadium!' said Shao Khan into the microphone as he sat in the commentary box. 'Special thanks to Subzero for those very lifelike ice statues! What are they, ninjas or something.' Goro called out something inaudible to the crowd. 'Anyway, today's match is an elimination match between Stryker and Nightwolf.'

The crowd cheered as Stryker and Nightwolf walked out into the arena.

'The commentator for today's match is Goro!'

'Good evening everyone.' Someone in the background informed Goro it was two o'clock. 'Uh, I mean good morning. Get ready, get set, bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!'

The crowd groaned.

'BEGIN THE FIGHT!'

Nightwolf and Stryker stared at each other. Stryker had his hand near the gun holster, which (surprise surprise) was holding a gun. Nightwolf had his hand near his crotch, because that's where his magic boomerang was. (That sounded a bit seedy.)

'Go ahead,' said Stryker. 'Make my day.'

'No, because for me to make your day I'd have to lose this match, which would mean I'd get kicked out of the tournament -'

Stryker lost patience and punched Nightwolf in the jaw.

'Ow, that hurt,' said Nightwolf. He responded with a punch, only this one hit Stryker in the arm.

'Ow! Ow! Dead arm!' Stryker kicked Nightwolf in the shin.

'Oow!' exclaimed Nightwolf. He pulled the boomerang out of its holster (aka his belt), raised it above his head...

...and started whacking Stryker with it. 'Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey! You hit one of my bruises!' Stryker then realised he had a weapon to counter Nightwolf. He pulled out his police baton, raised it above his head...

...and started whacking Nightwolf with it. 'Ow! Hey! Ow! Stop doing that!'

The crowd watched on as Nightwolf and Stryker hit each other with sticks.

'Ow!' cried Nightwolf as he was hit exceptionally hard on the thigh. 'That hurt!' Nightwolf slapped Stryker.

'You bitch!' yelled Stryker, who grabbed Nightwolf's hair and started yanking at it.

Eventually Nightwolf had had enough. He punched Stryker in the gut, causing him to let go of Nightwolf's hair, grabbed his boomerang which had fallen to the ground, raised it above his head...

...and...

...threw it. Stryker ducked, so the boomerang went flying off into the distance. 'Haha!' said Stryker. 'You're without your only weapon!' He reached around to his pocket to pull out his taser...

'Looking for this?' Nightwolf had Stryker's taser in his hand.

'No!' Stryker screamed.

'Oh yes,' Nightwolf said gleefully.

Then Stryker realised. Boomerangs always return to the person who threw it. If only he could distract Nightwolf...

'Hey Nightwolf!' said Stryker, trying his best to look like he was frightened.

'Yeah...?' Nightwolf said hesitantly.

Stryker pointed his finger, raised his arm...

...and shouted 'Terrorists!'

'AAARGH! WHERE!' cried Nightwolf. He started to panic, breathing deep and fast.

Stryker stood there and watched as the boomerang almost completed its arc.

'Over there!' said Stryker, who was still pointing.

Nightwolf turned to look...

The boomerang got closer...

All of a sudden Nightwolf dropped to the ground, curled up into a ball and started shaking.

'Oh shit,' said Stryker when he realised the boomerang wasn't going to hit Nightwolf. He closed his eyes, held his hands out...

...and caught the boomerang!

'Woohoo!' Stryker jumped up into the air, ran over to Nightwolf and started beating him with it.

'STRYKER IS THE WINNER!' announced Shao Khan. He turned to Goro and said 'Weren't you supposed to be commentating?'

'...I was?'

Shao Khan turned back to see Stryker was still beating Nightwolf with a stick. 'Stryker, you are the winner. STRYKER! STOP BEATING NIGHTWOLF! That's it, he's gonna get it.' Shao Khan pulled a boomerang out of nowhere, threw it and hit Stryker square in the back of the head. He fell on top of Nightwolf, causing the crowd to snigger.

'Let's go home,' said Shao Khan, walking out. He heard a _thud_ as he left. 'Poor Goro, a pity he doesn't understand simple boomerang physics.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry for making such a massive chapter.

Next Episode: Who will lose out of Kano and Smoke? SMS your answer to 04556147 for a chance to win a house! (Terms and conditions apply.)

Don't worry, everything that wasn't explained in this chapter is explained in the next. Except for why Gwen Stefani is so popular. Sorry about reminding everyone of that horrible song.


	14. Eye, Robot

MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2 

/Tournament Record ReBooted/  
Begin Tournament Entry #14

/Eye, Robot/

Scorpion opened his eyes to find himself in a dark room on a mattress that was probably harder than the cold concrete floor. 'Where am I?' he wondered. The last thing he could remember was the night before, when he went to sleep.

He stood up and looked around. He was in a cell of some sort. There was nothing except the mattress, walls and a steel door. Scorpion walked over to the door and tried to open it, but it had no handle on the inside. He hoped there was a handle on the outside, as he didn't like the idea of having mattress for breakfast every day for the rest of his life.

'Is there anybody out there?' Scorpion cried out. 'Hello? Anyone there?' He stood and waited for a reply, but there was none. He could hear no sound at all.

He realised there was no way of telling what time of day it was. For all he knew it could be three in the morning, or three in the afternoon. He then realised he could be anywhere in the world. Though he was pretty sure he wasn't in Antarctica.

He sat down on the mattress and sighed. 'Jeez, I really need to pee.'

Minutes passed. Time seemed to stretch on forever. Scorpion was just about to go insane when he heard voices. 'Someone's out there!' he muttered. 'Hello? Who's there?' he shouted.

'Will you shut up I'm trying to sleep!' said a voice on the other side.

_Well, now I know that it's night time_, thought Scorpion.

'It's okay, I'll handle him,' said another voice. Scorpion heard footsteps, and then the sound of sliding followed by a tiny bit of light streaming into the room. There was one of those little panels you can slide open, which had just been slid open, which made Reptile think that he must be in a jail cell.

'What are you yelling about?' said the person on the other side of the door.

'What do you think? I wake up in a strange place with no idea where I am or what the time is, and this time it's not because I got drunk! At least, I don't think it was.'

'You buffoon!' said the person on the other side. 'Don't you realise you've been kidnapped?'

DUN DUN DUN!

'Sorry I wasn't listening, what did you say?'

'I said, don't you realise you've been kidnapped?'

DUN DUN DUN!

'Nup, sorry I still can't here you.'

The person sighed. 'You've been kidnapped, we kidnapped you, you are being held captive.'

'Oh, why didn't you just say so.'

The sound of someone hitting their head against a steel door was heard.

'Hey, while you're here,' said Scorpion, 'could I go to the toilet?'

'No.'

'Well then can I have a dry set of clothes?'

--RAYDEN--

Rayden woke up in the middle of the night sweating heavily. 'Something is not right!' he concluded. 'Something is quite wrong!'

He stood up and began pacing the bedroom. That did nothing so he went out to the kitchen to cook up some breakfast.

Rayden noticed that a full stomach didn't help him figure out what was wrong. In fact it just made him feel like vomiting. 'I know! I'll look into my crystal ball!'

He walked hastily to the lounge room to find his crystal ball shattered, with strange purple liquid leaking out of it. 'Oh yeah, I broke it when it started getting popups. I'll have to resort to my other future-seeing trinket.'

He went back to the kitchen, pulled out a wok and began chanting. Five minutes later he gasped and said 'Scorpion! Something's wrong with Scorpion!'

He ran outside, ready to go to Scorpion's house, when he realised he was wearing his nightgown. 'Better go back inside and change.'

By the time he'd changed and was ready to go the combination of weariness and drugs took its toll. Rayden fell asleep before he got the chance to leave.

--A FEW HOURS LATER--

Rayden was awoken by the sound of Shao Kahn's voice over the intercom. 'Shoot! I forgot to check up on Scorpion!'

He ran out of the door towards Scorpion's house, and by the time he got there was pretty tired. He flung open the door, and gasped as he saw...

--HENCHMAN #1--

Wesley was lying on the lounge of the secret base when Jay walked in. 'Your shift's over,' he said. 'You can go lie down.'

'Someone's out there!' cried their hostage from his room. 'Hello? Who's there?'

'Will you shut up I'm trying to sleep!' Wes yelled.

'It's okay, I'll handle him,' said Jay. Wes sat up, waited for the dizziness to stop, then left for his room. 'Damn loud captives,' he said to himself before falling asleep.

--A FEW HOURS LATER--

Wes woke up to find Jay shaking him. 'What? What's wrong?'

'Nothing, I just thought I'd wake you up,' said Jay. 'The boss should be calling us soon.' As soon as he said that the phone rang. 'That'll be him.'

Jay left the room, and Wes followed.

'Hello?' said Jay. He listened for a few seconds, then said 'He's here.' He listened for a few more seconds, then said 'Okay boss. Yeah. Bye.'

'What does the boss want?' Wes asked.

'He wants us to torture the hostage.'

'Oh goodie.'

--KABAL--

'You can have today off,' said the storeclerk.

'Cool,' said Kabal. It was only after Kabal had walked out of the shop that he realised he would've been better off working.

On his way home he bumped into Reptile. 'Sorry,' he said.

'That's okay. Are you wearing cologne?'

'Yeah, you like it?'

'Yeah, it smells good. Well, I gotta go, see ya!'

He was nearly home when he noticed Rayden standing outside a house. 'What's up, Rayden?'

'Don't talk to me.'

'What's the problem?'

'I need to find Scorpion, he's not here.'

'I think I saw him heading for the store,' said Kabal.

'Okay, I'll go there.' Rayden ran off.

Kabal looked at the open door, then back at Rayden. 'May as well,' he said, entering the house and ransacking it.

--HENCHMAN #2--

Jay and Wes carried Scorpion, who was drugged and wrapped up inside a carpet, to their secret base. 'And to think he wanted us to pick up his new rug _after_ the kidnapping,' Jay said, laughing.

'Let's hurry up and get him locked into the cell before he wakes up,' said Wes. 'I really need to go to sleep.'

'I know,' Jay replied. 'You kept falling asleep while we were carrying this stuff. People stared, it was so embarrassing.'

They unravelled the carpet and dragged Scorpion into the jail cell. 'Isn't it strange how when we bought this place it had a jail cell in it?' said Wes.

'Yeah, but that's what the boss wanted.' Jay locked the door. 'I'll take the first shift, then once you've had a few hours of sleep I'll wake you up.'

'Okay,' said Wes, who walked off to his bedroom.

Jay sat down, looking at the coffee table in front of him. There were a few magazines on it, and a lot of guns. 'Now,' he said, reaching out, 'I'm gonna kill some time. Literally. With sudoku!'

--A FEW HOURS LATER--

'Phew, I've finally done it. Which means my shift is over. Wes!' Jay stood up and walked to the bedroom to find Wes still asleep. 'Wes!' He grabbed the nearby cap gun, shot off a round, then said 'Your shift.'

'Great, now I've got a headache. Just great.'

Jay went over to the other bed in the room and started sleeping.

--3 DREAMS LATER--

Jay woke up and looked at the time. 'My turn again.' He walked out to the lounge, which happened to be the room outside the jail cell, and said 'Your shift's over, you can lie down.'

--ONE CONVERSATION WITH SCORPION LATER--

Jay sat down. He became so engrossed with watching the wall that several hours passed by without him noticing. 'Hey, it's morning,' he realised. He went and woke up Wes, when the phone rang. 'That'll be him.'

He went to the next room and answered the phone. 'Hello?'

'Where's Scorpion?'

'He's here.'

'Play him some Celine Dion.'

'Okay boss. Yeah. Bye.'

'What does the boss want?' Wes asked.

'He wants us to torture the hostage.'

Jay walked back out to the lounge, got the key, unlocked the jail cell door, and opened it to find...

'DAMMIT! He's escaped!'

--MOTARO--

Rayden flung open the door, and gasped as he saw...

Motaro, stabbing Scorpion in the heart area with a knife. 'Motaro! You evil bastard!'

'Wait, no! It's not what you think!'

'I'm calling the police.'

--ONE RIDE IN A POLICE CAR LATER--

'Seriously! I'm telling the truth!' Motaro protested.

'Right, and I'm the queen of England.'

'Listen, just get Rayden to come in here, I can explain everything.'

'Visiting hours are between 3 and 4, so you'll have to wait...five minutes.'

Motaro stood there impatiently, waiting for the five minutes to be up.

'Is it five minutes yet?'

'No.'

'Is it five minutes yet?'

'No.'

'Is it five minutes yet?'

'Shut up! I get enough of this off my kids. Your five minutes is up...' The guard paused.

The paused lasted five minutes.

'...now.'

Motaro stood there. 'Well?'

'Uh, you have to ask me to get this guy.'

'F...just get Rayden.'

--2 TO 5 MINUTES LATER--

'You sicken me.'

Motaro raised his eyebrow. 'Look, just bring Rayden in.'

The guard left, and brought Rayden in. 'What do you want,' Rayden said with a sneer.

'It's not what you think,' Motaro explained.

'Sure, whatever you say...'

'Listen to me dammit! Okay, here's what happened.'

'I don't have time for your conspiracies,' said Rayden. 'Tell it to someone who cares, like Michael Moore.'

And Rayden walked out.

Motaro sat there for a while, trying to figure out what to do. He was very surprised when Reptile walked in. 'Hey man!'

'Why is the guard talking to me?' asked Reptile.

'I have no idea,' said Motaro. 'Speaking of no idea, what are you doing here?'

'I wanted to hear what you did to get banged up,' said Reptile.

'Well, technically I'm here because I murdered Scorpion, but there's more to it than that.'

'Tell me about it.'

--ONE ANECDOTE LATER--

'Wow, while that sounds farfetched, I reckon it's the truth.'

'Try telling Rayden that.'

'You know what, I will.' And Reptile left.

'That guy is great.'

'Shut up, guard.'

--REPTILE--

Reptile noticed that he'd run out of toilet paper, and decided he needed to buy more. Unfortunately he noticed this while on the toilet, and the closest thing to toilet paper was the little shower curtain.

While on his way to the store he bumped into Kabal. 'Sorry,' said Kabal.

'That's okay. Are you wearing cologne?'

'Yeah, you like it?'

'Yeah, it smells good. Well, I gotta go, see ya!' And Reptile continued on his trek to the store. 'What a bitch, he hardly noticed my new haircut,' he later muttered to himself.

Reptile got some toilet paper and a porno mag (if he ever got caught in another TP predicament he'd have something to do for thirty seconds). 'Haven't I seen you here before?' asked the guy behind the counter.

'No, that would be my evil twin, Scorpion. And that other guy, the blue one. I could never remember his name. Frank or something.'

At that moment Rayden came bursting into the store. 'Have any of you seen Scorpion?'

'There ain't no heroes here,' replied the guy behind the counter.

'No, why?' asked Reptile.

'I have reason to believe he's in grave danger,' said Rayden.

'Wish I could help, but I haven't seen him since...the last time I saw him, which was before today.'

'Oh well, I'll have to find Motaro and see if he'll help me.'

'I saw him, he went to Kabal's house with Frank.'

Rayden ran back out as quickly as he had arrived, wondering who the hell Frank was.

'Oh, darn, now I remember his name! It wasn't Frank, it was Freiza.'

--UNO MOMENTO LEUGO--

Reptile wandered outside and was returning to his house when he noticed the cops outside Kabal's house, dragging a handcuffed Motaro into their specially made stable-on-wheels (it'd be impossible to get Motaro to fit in a normal car).

'That's interesting,' thought Reptile. He went to his house, placed the toilet paper and porno mag in the living room, and decided he'd go to the police station and investigate.

--AT THE POLICE STATION--

'Hey man.'

'Why is the guard talking to me?'

'I have no idea,' said Motaro. 'Speaking of no idea, what are you doing here?'

'I wanted to hear what you did to get banged up.'

'Well, technically I'm here because I murdered Scorpion, but there's more to it than that.'

'Tell me about it.'

'Only if you promise me one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Dance for me.'

'What?'

'Dance for me, and I'll tell you the whole story.'

'But Motaro, you know I can't dance, remember high school reunion-'

'DO IT!'

'Okay, okay.' Reptile made up some stupid dance on the spot. 'Happy now?'

'Did it have to be a hiphop dance?'

'Just tell me the freakin' story!'

'Okay, okay. It seems like it was yesterday...'

--FLASHBACK--

Earlier that day Motaro had remembered he'd preordered his copy of the French opera Ca Ira on DVD, and that its release date was today. 'That supermarket better have it instore,' he said as he walked to the supermarket. Unfortunately it was closed. 'Dammit, I need my stuff!'

'I can get you some stuff...' said an evil voice from behind him. Motaro jumped, as he thought it was a paedophile. It was just Scorpion though.

'What sort of stuff?'

'All sorts of stuff, I just need to find the backpack I put the stash in.'

'Stash?' At that point Motaro realised that Scorpion wasn't Scorpion. Scorpion would never say 'backpack'. As the conversation went on further and Scorpion became flustered about the loss of this backpack, it became apparent to Motaro that it definitely wasn't Scorpion. After all, Scorpion never said the F-word. Fudge.

'Well then I can see only one way out of this. I'll have to kill you.'

Motaro took 'Scorpion' back to Subzero's house as it was empty at the time, and brutally murdered him. It was only after the murder that he realised he should've asked where the real Scorpion was before killing him.

--NOT A FLASHBACK ANYMORE--

'Wow, while that sounds farfetched, I reckon it's the truth.'

'Try telling Rayden that.'

'You know what, I will.' And Reptile left. 'Actually, on second thought, screw him! That made it no sense at all! That didn't explain anything, like why Scorpion was kidnapped in the first place, or why he was using a payphone.' Then Reptile realised he hadn't actually left, he'd just imagined leaving. The guard and Motaro were staring at him in a weird way. 'Screw you guys, I'm going home.'

--'SCORPION'--

'...and if you guys fail, I'm gonna make you eat your parents.'

'Yes, sir,' said Jay and Wes in unison.

'I've been watching him for the past month, if we screw this up ten years' planning has gone down the drain.'

'I thought you said you'd only been watching him for the past month?'

'Yes, that's the final part of the plan. The plan which began ten years ago. In Iran.'

'What's the point of the plan again?'

'Fools! If you don't know the plan, I'm not going to tell it to you.'

With that he left, and despite it being well into the night, went to the costume shop. 'How can I help you?' asked the lady on duty.

'I need a Scorpion costume,' said he.

'Your old one not fitting anymore?' the lady questioned. 'You sound different to Scorpion.'

'I'm not Scorpion, I'm his brother...Sandworm.'

'Ah, I see,' said the lady, with a quizzical look on her face. 'I'll go and fetch the spare costume from the back.' The lady disappeared for a minute or two, and came back with a Scorpion suit almost exactly the same as the actual Scorpion's suit. 'Scorpion's told me so much about you, how're you and the wife?'

'Oh, we're fine,' replied 'Sandworm'. 'The kids are a handful, but we get by.'

'That's nice to know, bye,' said the lady, waving as he left. 'That's strange, I thought his wife was incapable of giving birth.'

He went to sleep, and woke up early in the morning, put on the Scorpion suit and began the first step in the final phase of his devious plan. It was so devious only he could pull it off.

He went outside the mall and waited for it to open. 'Hello sir?' said the voice of the unlucky teenager who was in charge of the store for the opening hours. 'Scorpion' was sitting against the wall, and had accidentally dozed off. 'Sir, are you awake? Sir, a spider's climbing up your leg.' This woke him at once, and he began kicking and screaming. He'd had bad experience with spiders.

'Scorpion' walked into the store, stuffing various items in his pockets, up his sleeves, under his Mexican sombrero hat. He then proceeded to run out of the store, run back in in a state of confusion, and run back out. Sometime in between all this he'd stuffed the stolen items in a backpack. 'I need a payphone...'

He eventually found a payphone, and rang up the house where the real Scorpion was held captive. 'Hello?' said the voice on the other end.

'Where's Scorpion?'

'He's here.'

'Play him some Celine Dion.'

'Okay boss.'

'Make sure it's a pirated CD, as well. We don't want to fund the enemy.'

'Yeah.'

'I'll be coming back to talk to Scorpion in person. That's all for now.'

'Bye.'

He then hung up. 'I hope that loser gets what's coming to him.' As he was walking back to get the backpack with the stolen goods in it, he saw Motaro. 'Dammit, I need my stuff!'

'I can get you some stuff...' 'Scorpion' replied...

--AT SUBZERO'S HOUSE--

'Wait, you don't want to kill me!'

'I'm afraid I have to,' said the spider, before eating the fly whole. Meanwhile, 'Scorpion' was getting stabbed to death.

'That should do it,' said Motaro, dusting his hands off despite there being no dust on his hands. 'On second thoughts, one more stab in the heart area.'

Just as Motaro had stabbed 'Scorpion' that one last time, Rayden flung open the door.

'Motaro! You evil bastard!'

'Wait, no! It's not what you think!' It was the last sentence 'Scorpion' heard before he forever closed his eyes, blood welling up in his lungs.

Five minutes later, he opened his eyes and realised he wasn't dead after all. He coughed up the excess blood, dressed his wounds, then laughed evilly before doubling over with pain. 'New plan: kill Rayden, then Scorpion.'

--THE REAL SCORPION--

Scorpion sat around in the dark, gloomy cell for what seemed like ages. Eventually a slither of light snaked its way into the room from the crack between the door and the floor. Before his jaw said anymore, he noticed one of the bricks in the wall looked loose. Scorpion thought of something dirty to say, but decided it was better he said nothing in case his captors woke up.

He began to claw away at the brick, but it wouldn't move. Then he remembered his trademark fighting move: kicking things with his feet. This didn't work though, it only gave Scorpion a sore feet and anterior cruciate ligament damage.

Then he remembered his lesser known fighting move, which involved a long metal claw magically appearing out of his arm and grabbing his opponent. He tried to perform this move but for some reason it wouldn't work.

'Oh, I know what I'm doing wrong!' And with that, Scorpion began performing the move again, this time whispering 'Get over here.' The metal claw sprung out, grabbed the brick and ripped out of its place. Like dominos falling off a cliff, the wall crumbled, shattered and fell apart. 'Jeez, I hope no one heard that.'

Scorpion quickly made his escape, and spent hours wandering around trying to find his bearings. Eventually he found a familiar site: the Mortal Kombat Stadium. He saw Reptile heading towards him and shouted out, 'Reptile!' Reptile looked up, a look of shock on his face, and ran off.

'Screw it, I'll go to Rayden's house.'

--AT RAYDEN'S HOUSE--

'Holy shit it's a ghost!'

'Rayden, calm down, it's me, Scorpion,' said Scorpion. 'I need to tell you something.'

'Get away! Get away! I'll fight you if I have to!' shouted Rayden, grabbing the thing nearest him and waving it at Scorpion.

'Rayden, a muesli bar isn't exactly the best choice of weapon.'

Rayden looked at the bar he'd picked up, threw it behind him, and grabbed a knife. 'I don't want to have to kill you, but I will if I have to!'

By this time Scorpion was getting pissed off. 'Look Rayden, I don't know what's been happening, but I'm not a ghost. I was kidnapped sometime in the past week, and I just escaped. You've got to help me.' By this time Rayden looked like he was staring off into the void behind Scorpion. He turned around in time to see an exact copy of himself with a knife raised. 'We meet again, Scorpion,' said 'Scorpion'.

'Who are you?' asked Scorpion.

'I am Scorpion, and I've come here to get my revenge.'

'Hang on,' said Rayden, 'which one of you is the real Scorpion?'

'I am,' said two voices in unison. 'No, he's lying!' said the same two voices.

'Okay, Scorpion 2, how come you have a knife in your hand?'

'This here impostor kidnapped me last night and held me captive, I want to pay him back for the torture!'

'You liar! I was the one kidnapped and held captive!'

'Okay, there's only one way to work this out,' said Rayden. 'Sit down.'

The two sat down.

'Now, will the real Scorpion please stand up?'

Only Scorpion stood up. 'Dammit!' said 'Scorpion'. 'I always get fooled by that.'

Rayden summoned a bolt of lightning, which struck 'Scorpion' and killed him. 'I guess Motaro was right after all.'

'But what about your roof?' said Scorpion, as the lightning bolt had struck a hole through Rayden's roof.

'It'll be a sunroof,' Rayden replied.

--SUBZERO--

'We need your help. There are some terrorists in this here resort.'

--SEVERAL MINUTES LATER--

'I know what to do, you guys can go home. I'll take care of this.'

'But we wanna -'

'Just go!'

'Okay, okay, don't blow a fuse.'

Stryker and Nightwolf disappeared, leaving Subzero on his own, hiding in the bushes watching Kano's house, which was surrounded by terrorists. 'Now or never.'

He leapt out from behind the bushes, shooting an ice beam at the bush in which two terrorists were hiding in, dodged some bullets, froze the snipers on the various roofs, kicked the remaining terrorists so that they fell onto the road and were run over by a truck, and opened the door to Kano's house. 'Knowing terrorists there'll be one in here.'

He walked carefully through Kano's house, his wrists cocked and ready to shoot. He advanced past the hall, and found the door to Kano's room locked. 'That's strange.' He kicked the door down, and found Kano being held at gunpoint by the terrorist leader. 'Whoa, Subzero! Thanks man.'

'I'm here to help everyone else, not you.'

'Then you wouldn't care if I shot Kano dead!'

'Kano, why are you referring to yourself in first person?'

Kano shrugged.

'What do you want?' said the terrorist leader.

'I wanna know why you're here,' said Subzero. 'Maybe we could make a deal.'

'I'm here on orders of the boss. He has already arranged the kidnapping of one of your people, and we are going to use him as a bargaining chip.'

'What about Kano? You know no one's going to care if he's taken hostage.'

'Exactly, that's why we're going to kill him, to prove we aren't lying.'

'I can't believe I'm doing this,' said Subzero, before shooting ice at the terrorist leader, rendering him incapable of movement. 'Thanks again, Subzero.'

'Shut up, you stupid skinny little man.'

--APPROXIMATELY ONE DAY LATER--

'Here we are at the stadium for our exciting elimination match between Smoke and Kano! The winner will move to the next round and nervously await their next brush with death, while the loser will find comfort in knowing exactly when they're going to die. Oh shit, I gave away the secret, it was supposed to be unveiled and everything.'

Luckily Shao Kahn hadn't hit the "ON AIR" button yet.

--ONE ANNOUNCEMENT LATER--

'...Our commentator for today's match is Motaro!'

'As we all know, Smoke the robot and Kano the bald guy are going up against each other. The winner will go on to the next round, the loser killed off!'

Shao Kahn slapped his hand against his forehead.

'LET THE MATCH BEGIN!'

Kano and Smoke resumed their fighting stances, and stared at each other. 'This is the ritual where one of them waits for the other to strike. It's known as Hinoarashi-Tsubotsubo, or "Whoever smelt it dealt it".'

Kano launched himself at Smoke, which was unexpected (as everyone thought he would be the one to fart first). Smoke blocked the kick, and every subsequent kick and punch thrown at him. Kano just wasn't getting through his metal defences.

Kano continued attacking Smoke, but with each attempted blow and strike Smoke blocked and blocked. 'Come on,' said Kano, 'this has gotta be some sort of cheat code.'

'This is very strange indeed,' said Motaro, who had just woken up from his microsleep. 'Kano is giving it his all, but Smoke's not budging.'

Kano tried every move possible, including his super secret special move (a headbutt) but Smoke blocked everything. He performed intricate combo after intricate combo, but Smoke was still blocking. 'You know, this is very annoying,' Kano noted.

Someone in the audience stood up. 'Sorry, I accidentally reprogrammed him this morning,' said the audience member.

'Who the hell are you?' replied Kano.

'I'm the one who fixed him up after he got thrown into a pool of lava. Took me ages to get everything back in working order. I swear, if I find out who did this to Smoke they'll have a face that looks like Paris Hilton.'

'Ooh, that's low,' said Motaro.

'I know. Coincidentally that's where she is most of the time.'

'Who, Smoke?' said Kano, who wasn't listening properly.

'Anyway, I accidentally programmed Smoke to go into passive mode, instead of combat mode.'

'Mortal combat mode?' asked Motaro.

'As a matter of fact, yes.'

Everyone stood still for a minute, waiting for the Smoke-fixer to fix him up. 'Oh, were you waiting for me? Okay, to get him back to normal there was a code word I had to use. What was it...oh yeah, now I remember. "Go-go gadget robot."'

Smoke whirred and stirred to life, and immediately punched Kano in the face. 'Why-the-hell-were-you-punching-and-kicking-me-like-that,-asshole?' He then proceeded to punch Kano some more, then push him over and start kicking at his ribs.

'Whoa, I'm so high right now,' said Kano, giggling. He stood up, and began an effort to punch Smoke into submission.

'Nice-try,' said Smoke, 'but-you-got-me-really-pissed-back-when-you-were-attacking-me,-despite-my-inability-to-fight-back.' With that Smoke pulled out a piece of machinery, threw it at Kano and ran for his artifical life.

'Uh-oh, my parents told me never to play with fireworks.' The piece of machinery exploded, blowing up Kano.

'Well, it seems that SMOKE IS THE WINNER!'

'Oh-yeah!' said Smoke, as the firefighters ran past him and began extinguishing the huge fire in the stadium. 'Number-five-is-alive!'

No one in the crowd knew what this meant, but they cheered nonetheless. Except for the ones caught in the huge fire which ironically had spread to the Byrne Memorial Stand. They were too busy being burnt alive.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The moral of the story: passive Smoke kills.

And a message to the owner of the blue Ford Falcon, license plate FRW91X, your headlights are on, you should probably turn them off before they drain the battery.


	15. Chapter for the Dead

MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2 

/Tournament Record ReObliviated/  
Begin Tournament Entry #15

/Chapter for the Dead/

Nightwolf lay in bed, unable to get to sleep. 'I lost,' he thought aloud. 'I lost and now I'm gonna die.'

He tried to figure out a way to get out of it, but he was too edgy to come up with an escape plan. 'Wait, that's it! I need to escape before they catch me!' He jumped out of bed, opened the front door of his house as quietly as he could, and scampered off into the distance singing quietly 'Out for my own, out to be free...'

--KANO--

Kano meanwhile was singing 'I want to break free, I've got to break free!' in his dreams, where he was walking around the house vacuuming while wearing a lady's dress and undergarments. (Not that there are men's dresses, unless you count those kilts.) Suddenly his jovial dreams took a turn for the worst when the house turned into the horrific Shao Khan Stadium in the Netherealm. It wasn't even really a stadium, more a circle of floor hanging over a flaming pit of burning, mentally scarring pain and anguish. Even more suddenly a giant eye appeared, looking rather angry.

'Aargh! I don't have the ring!' cried Kano in his fright-altered state of mind. The Eye stared at him, as you would expect, then grew glowing purple tentacles. '-_In the Eye of the Beholder_-,' said a voice that was nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

'Shit those were some whacked out burritos,' Kano said to himself, now shitting his pants and backing away from the increasing furious looking Eye. He stepped back, and back, and then tried to step back some more but noticed his foot wasn't touching anything. Before he knew it he was falling backwards into the flaming pit of burning mentally scarring pain and anguish, screaming like a sane person at a Simple Plan concert...

--THE NEXT DAY--

'Here we are at Mortal Kombat Stadium for this special event,' announced Shao Khan over the loudspeaker. 'Today we are killing off two characters not important to the plot.'

'And it's great weather, no clouds to be seen,' stated Motaro. 'A perfect day for this kind of thing. Special thanks to the special FX guys, who will be helping out with today's proceedings.'

Nightwolf and Kano were standing nervously in the hall that led into the changerooms, waiting for their imminent demise.

'Kano! Nightwolf! Come on down!'

The two slowly and sullenly walked out of the hall and into the arena. 'We are all witnessing the first time ever that death will be broadcast to the world! The next step in reality TV is here. Your host for this evening, Shao Khan!'

'Kano!' Shao boomed. 'Approach the Pedestal of Fate!'

Nightwolf looked around the stadium for said pedestal.

'Uh, Shao Khan, we don't have a Pedestal of Fate.'

'Damn those builders, they said they'd have it installed by today! Nevermind. Prepare for your doom, Kano!'

Nightwolf looked around for said Kano.

'Uh, Shao Khan, I think he's escaped.'

--INTO THE DISTANCE--

Kano ran full speed down the streets of the tournament village, knowing that if he stopped the silent demons would drag him back to the stadium. Unfortunately he didn't see Johnny Cage leap out and tackle him to the ground.

'Damn you, Johnny Cage!' cried Kano, who struggled with Cage in an attempt to break free. Alas, Johnny Cage was to strong for him. Then he came up with a cunning plan.

He began unzipping his pants while trying to make out with Johnny Cage. When Johnny realised what was happening he jumped back, shocked. Suddenly everything made sense. Kano's bad record collection, his innate fashion sense, the secret lover in his closet.

Before Johnny could confirm his revelation, Kano had disappeared from sight.

--LATER THAT DAY--

'Prepare to enter the Pit of Hallucinogenic Equilibrium!'

'What?' said Nightwolf. 'I have no idea what that means.'

'Neither do we,' said the stadium servant, before kicking Nightwolf into a strangely coloured glowing pool. Nightwolf struggled for a while, then stopped.

'Uh, wrong pool,' said Shao Khan, as Nightwolf's body began to decay.

'Who cares,' said Motaro. 'Think of it this way, now we don't have to cut the body into little pieces and throw them into a bath tub full of acid.'

'Hey, yeah!' the two exchanged a high-five, but since Shao Khan was infinitely more powerful than Motaro he caused severe bone and muscle damage to Motaro's right hand, and caused a spark which in turn set the commentary box on fire.

'Crap.'

--OUTSIDE THE TOURNAMENT--

As Kano ran out of the tournament grounds and through a barren field of grass, until he came across a strange town. 'That's weird, this place is full of B. A. Barakas!'

As he got closer his confusion grew, as he didn't know that the Tarkata existed, and thought that Baraka was just some idiot using a halloween mask as a gimmick.

'Ah, another one!' said one of the indistinguishable Tarkata. 'Come, you must meet our king!'

Kano shrugged and went along. This is a better alternative to getting killed, he thought. He followed as the Baraka lookalike brought him before the palace of the king. 'I am not allowed to enter,' said the Tarkata. 'The King will know what to do with you.'

'Okay,' said Kano, entering the palace.

--INSIDE THE KING'S PALACE--

'Ah! Another one!' stated The King. 'Come here.'

Kano flinched, as he was expecting The King to launch a throwing knife attached to a rope at him. 'Hurry up, I don't have all day!'

Kano walked up to The King who was sitting on his throne. 'Just a minute,' said The King, standing up, flushing and pulling his pants up. 'Now, you are very important.'

'I am?'

'Yes. Today is the most important day of the year, the Akalakdak Day of Festival. You will be part of the climax of the Festival.'

'Cool.'

'The Festival starts when the sun falls on the horizon. Until then you can relax in the Guest Chamber.'

--WHEN THE SUN FELL ON THE HORIZON--

After spending the afternoon in luxury (or what was luxury for Kano but was in fact the dungeon where The King kept traitors), he was awoken by the king's servant. 'It is time,' said the servant.

Kano followed the servant out the centre of the town, where a huge stage was set. 'It is optimal weather for the Festival,' said the servant happily, which confused Kano because it looked like a storm was coming.

'Ah, there is the king!' said the servant, who brought Kano over to him. 'Here is the chosen one.'

_Ooh, chosen one_, thought Kano. _Sounds significant._

'You shall sit beside me, and watch the Festival, until it is your time,' said The King.

'Cool.'

--EARLIER THAT DAY, JUST AFTER KANO HAD ESCAPED--

As Nightwolf wondered where Kano had gone, he smiled as he remembered his own attempt at escape.

He ran through the night, until at least coming upon a strange town. As it was night time no one was out on the streets, but as Nightwolf wandered through the township he came across several of what must have been homeless creatures, similar in appearance to Baraka. 'Ah, this must be the Tarkata colony.'

As he continued his journey through Tarkata county, he came across a giant building that looked important. And expensive.

There were two Tarkata guarding the entrance, though one had fallen asleep. 'Ah! An outsider!' said the awake one.

'No, I don't want to play on the see-saw,' said the asleep one.

'Sorry, I was just on my way through and -'

'Don't apologise! You must be the chosen one!'

'Chosen one?'

'Yes. We are having our Festival on the day approaching. You must go in and see The King at once!'

'Aren't you coming in as well? I mean if I go in and disturb The King he might think that I've come to rob him.'

'I can't go in.'

'Why not? Is it some law about only royalty entering the palace?'

'No, I can't go in because last time The King caught me inside the palace I was kicking around a ball and broke one of the windows.'

'Oh.'

So Nightwolf opened the door and walked in. 'Hmm, this place is kinda strange,' he said to himself, for there was a toilet in the middle of the palace.

There were two doors, one to the right of the palace room and one to the left. Nightwolf recognised the door to the right as the one that led to the dungeons; usually only traitors were kept there.

'The other door must be where The King's bedroom is,' said Nightwolf. He walked over to the door and just as he grabbed the handle he heard a voice say 'Oy you! What do you think you're doing, robbing the place?'

Nightwolf spun around and put his hands in the air. 'No, I wasn't robbing the place, I was sent in here by one of the guards!'

'Is that a challenge?'

'No!' said Nightwolf, who was becoming flustered.

'You're using the international symbol for duelling,' said The King, indicating Nightwolf's upraised hands.

'Crap.'

The King ran at Nightwolf, his Tarkata blades drawn, but Nightwolf leapt over The King's head and produced his magical bow and arrow, firing off several into The King's back.

'Aargh!' screamed The King, before turning around and taking a stab at Nightwolf. Nightwolf jumped again, this time landing on the Tarkata's blade. While The King was still confused, he kicked him in the face a few times, jumped over The King's head and punched him hard in the back.

The King spun around quickly, impaling Nightwolf in the process. Using his shaman powers, Nightwolf summoned a bear which appeared suddenly behind The King, stood on its hind legs and growled, then ran towards the toilet and started drinking from the bowl.

The King sheathed his arm blades, withdrawing the one that had impaled Nightwolf. 'So you are the chosen one.'

'I guess I am.'

'You shall be used as an integral part in the Festival. Go rest in the guest room.' The King pointed at the door to the traitor chambers.

'But that's for people who resort to treason -'

'Hurry up! I don't have all day. Oh wait I do.'

--IN THE DUNGEON--

Nightwolf found an empty cage next to a sleeping Tarkata. At least Nightwolf thought he was sleeping, until he stood up and said 'What are you in here for?'

'Apparently I'm part of the Festival,' said Nightwolf.

'The chosen one?' said the Tarkata.

'Yeah.'

'Do you know what being the chosen one entails?'

'No.'

'Every year the Festival is dedicated to the Gods, and as such each year we need a sacrifice.'

'You mean...'

'Yes. Gods exist.'

'No I mean I'm going to be killed today?'

'Yes. If by today you mean the day after this night.'

'I do. I think.'

'I suggest you escape.'

--DURING THE FESTIVAL--

'By the way, you didn't talk to any of the prisoners in the guest room did you?' asked The King.

'No,' said Kano. 'They were acting all strange, saying I was going to die. Freakin' conspiracy theorists.'

'Good,' said The King with a touch of sinister.

--BACK IN NIGHTWOLF'S MEMORY OF THE ESCAPE HE MADE DURING THE EARLY MORNING HOURS OF THAT DAY--

Nightwolf began running down the dungeon hall, finally reaching the door out into the palace. 'Oh shit, I should've asked him to unlock my cage,' said the Tarkata.

Nightwolf ran up to the palace entrance doors and kicked them open, causing the sleeping guard to get crushed between the door and the wall. The King yelled 'Quick! Get him!' since he was too busy taking a dump on the throne to get up and chase after him himself.

Nightwolf ran and ran, until at least reaching the Mortal Kombat tournament grounds. 'Oh wait, I'm going to die anyway. F-'

--THE CLIMAX OF THE FESTIVAL--

'Okay, now that that riveting play is finished the final stage of the Festival will commence.'

'I rated that 4 out of 5 stars,' said Kano, before he was grabbed by the scruff of the neck and dragged to the middle of the Festival stage. 'Let the sky rod rise!' shouted The King, and several Tarkata worked pulleys and moved levers to open the ground in front of the stage. Out of the ground emerged a tall steel rod. 'Wow, that must be at least 6 feet!' said Kano, who was looking at the ground and not the rod. When he saw the rod he swore. 'That's like thirty feet, or fifty feet, or a thousand feet! Well, maybe not a thousand feet, but a hundred and twenty-five!'

Out of nowhere appeared a Tarkata with wings, who grabbed Kano and quickly tied him to the top of the rod. 'What the...?'

The Tarkata anxiously eyed the storm, which was now very close.

'What the hell is happening? Guys? Why am I at the top of this large steel rod? Hello?'

The stormclouds passed overhead, and CRACK! lightning hit the rod.

THE END

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hopefully that wasn't as confusing as I thought it was. ;)


End file.
